Come on John boy, buck yourself up! It's just a cold for heavens sake! Yes you feel bad, I realise that. But to lie about all day feeling sorry for yourself is doing you no good at all. Get a grip man! NO! Not there! That's half the trouble. You will never get your strength back doing that!
All you have done for the last week is bemoan your lot. Oh I'm so poorly. You are pathetic John. You really are. Oh I can't take the dog for a walk. It's raining. It might make my man flu worse. I might get wet.
You are wet! You pathetic wimp! It isn't man flu. Man flu doesn't exist. You have got a slight cold! Get over it.
All I could manage was a couple of spoonfuls of chicken soup. I have lost so much weight this week because of this terrible flu. You bloody liar Bain! What about that roast dinner you had on Sunday? What about that steak you had on Saturday. You were strong enough to eat that! You haven't lost weight, you have put weight on, you fat lardy layabout.
You wretched excuse for a man! Get out there and do some work instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Just thank God you don't have a real illness to contend with you big girls blouse. Get up now before I give your arse a bloody good kicking!
Oh hi everyone. Sorry about that. I was just giving myself a good talking to.