Friday, 28 November 2014

Me And Claude Monet.

I have been busy lately doing paintings and growing my beard so I look like one of them old French impressionists. Maybe I look like Monet? I wish I could paint like him.

That picture of me in the hat? I am not wearing it for effect honestly. I always wear a rain hat indoors just in case I have to go outside suddenly and don't have time to put my rain hat on if it's raining. You can't see it in the picture, but I am also wearing waders in case I suddenly have to go outside and accidentally fall into a large water-filled hole in the ground. And also, I have an inflatable raft in my pocket. No, I don't. I am being ridiculous now.

I am trying to set up a website It's one of them easy to do it yourself websites, except it isn't. Easy I mean. Still plenty to do to make it look good. Have I already told you about it? Apologies if I have.

I have also made a facebook page to sell my work on. It is also John Bain Artist if you want to rush and have a look. Mind you I think you have seen most of the paintings on it.

I have got a few commissions from the facebook page. I hope I don't get bored with it all. I always prefer to paint what I want to paint.
Oil on canvas

Oil on canvas

Cattle grazing
Oil on canvas
The artist John Bain at his easel pretending he is painting.

Please tell your friends about my website etc. I have got a special offer at the moment. £45 for an oil painting from a photo, on canvas or board. 16x12in. Plus posting and packing. I don't make a lot from them after material costs, but I prefer to do plenty of paintings at a low price than none at a high price. I will never be rich that's for sure. Not in a monetary sense at least.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Short Story. Or Is It The Start Of My New Book?

Sandra says she is pregnant. She says she is definite. She says she is always on time and she is a week late. I’ve only known her for a few weeks. Mind you we have been fucking non-stop since then. At it like rabbits we are. She has got a bit of a reputation as being easy and I know she has had a few boyfriends, but she says she really loves me and I believe her.

I don’t know what to say to her. Suppose I feel a bit happy about it really. A bit proud. I suppose she will want to get married. I wouldn’t mind getting married. I do love her and like I say, she says she loves me.

Sandra has been talking about prams and baby clothes a lot lately. I feel useless being on the dole. I ain’t got any money to buy stuff for the baby. Cot. She took me to look at a cot. A brand new one. She says she wants all new stuff for the baby and she don’t want a second hand pram neither.

I went back to the shop. The one where they sell all the baby stuff. I had a look round the back. Don’t know how I’m going to get a cot out, but there is a window. It’s got bars on and it’s a bit small but the bars don’t look all that strong.  I could get some baby clothes through it and nappies. Sandra goes on about nappies. Don’t think I could get a pram through it. Maybe one of them folding ones, but even that’s a bit dodgy.

Remanded in custody.  They reckon I will get eighteen months. What happened was I did the shop. The baby stuff shop. Got loads of stuff. Clothes and that. Sandra was so pleased. Ever so happy. But I didn’t get nappies. Couldn’t find them and I didn’t want to hang about. So I went back the next night. Fucking stupid! They got me as I was climbing back out with the nappies.

Sandra came to visit me. She says she has met someone else. A bloke with a job. She says she was going to write me a letter but she thought she would do the decent thing and tell me in person. I am really upset but there ain’t nothing I can do, not while I’m stuck in here.

She says she is ever so happy with her new bloke. Dave his name is and what is really good, she says, is that she is not pregnant after all. False alarm. She doesn’t understand that at all because usually she is as regular as clockwork!

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Lizzie Windsor.

I decided to paint a portrait of Lizzie Windsor. My reason for doing this is because not enough people have painted her portrait before. I like Lizzie but I'm not sure she will like me when she sees this. I haven't flattered her at all. She ain't bad looking for her age mind you.

Lizzie Windsor by John Bain
Oil on canvas

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Portrait Of Emma.

I have painted this portrait of Emma from a photo. I found it quite difficult to do the initial drawing because her head is at an unusual angle, not only three-quarter face,
but her head is down too. Many artists would struggle with this. I know this because I read it somewhere.
Emma And The Red Telephone. By John Bain
Oil on canvas.
Click to enlarge
The other difficulty was that whenever I see Emma she is usually smiling and she has the most beautiful eyes. Neither of which is in this portrait.
I actually find it easier to paint eyes open than closed. Funny that, but true.
Did you know that most artists find it difficult to paint a profile portrait? I read that somewhere too, but also know it from experience. But it is good to have a challenge.
You can see how I struggled by looking at the white canvas. In the end I gave up and made a grid on the photo. This is something I only do on rare occasions. It did help. I ought to do it more often, but it feels a bit like cheating to me. I know a lot of artists use the grid method, but I do pride myself on my freehand drawing.
I like the finished result here but more importantly Emma likes it too.

Monday, 10 November 2014

On The Off Chance.

I am getting a bit fed up with being on my own so I have decided to market myself to women worldwide.

There must be someone out there who is as desperate as me! This is the advert I intend to use. I would appreciate any thoughts and/or advice you might have regarding it. Thank you.


I am an old, short, fattish, flatulent, balding, Viagra and indigestion tablet dependent gentleman of extremely limited means and no hope. My interests are, not eating out and not going to the theatre.
My hobbies include, looking for my glasses and trying to remember if I have taken my tablets. I would like to meet a woman preferably, but am prepared to try anything once, or should that be again? Please send in the first instance, some nude photos taken from unusual angles. Own house and nice car. Not me, you. Sorry, I am unable to return photos.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Making An Impression.

Autumnal Morning. Impression.

Oil on canvas.


Autumnal Morning. Impression. Oil on canvas. 16x12in.
click to enlarge.

Isn't it amazing how it is possible to put a photograph onto a computer. All the colours too! I just cannot comprehend it at all. How on earth did anyone think of it in the first place? Beats me!

I saw the deer, but it was at quite a distance. I painted this very quickly - mostly with a palette knife - at home from memory.

I am currently trying to make a website for my paintings. One of the free ones. They say it is easy to do following simple instructions. It is not!

Thursday, 6 November 2014

What A Reception!

Just been to the surgery for a blood test. The doctors receptionist, having obviously just completed the 'how to be a doctors receptionist' course, was at her very best. Although she did at one stage - probably a trick of the light - almost give the impression of a smile.

The nurse too was as miserable as sin. I almost apologised for ruining her day and when she uttered the words, "you may feel a bit of a prick," I refused to respond in my usual hilarious way.

After the blood had been taken I returned to the receptionists desk. "I would like to make an appointment for about two weeks time," I said politely, smiling in an effort to melt her icy demeanour. It didn't work.

She glared at me, "Doctor or nurse?"

"Yes please," I said.

"Which?" she asked, looking at me as though I were a complete idiot.

"I don't know. It's to get my test results."


At this stage I was becoming a bit miserable myself, "Sorry for being so stupid," I said, "and thank you for being so understanding about my lack of knowledge regarding the way things work around here." My sarcasm went right over her head.

"That's okay," she said, and actually smiled.

It was at this point that I realised that she truly did think I was an idiot.

I drove home having become as miserable as the surgery staff. However, I did cheer up considerably when - despite the frosty weather - I espied a lovely decolletage displayed by a lady of magnificent proportions.

Sunday, 2 November 2014


Hello Everyone,

I took a break from the nursery rhyme theme and painted these instead. The Boathouse at Swanbourne Lake. Autumn was painted from a quick sketch I did and the Gun Dog with Pheasant was painted from a photo. They are both oil on canvas. 16 x 12

You can enlarge the photos by clicking on them.

Boathouse At Swanbourne Lake. Autumn. Oil on canvas. 16x12 inches.

Gun Dog With Pheasant. Oil on canvas. 16x12 inches.

Swanbourne lake is at Arundel, West Sussex which is near where I live. The lake is fed from springs from the chalk downland. It is in the grounds of Arundel Castle, the seat of the Duke of Norfolk.

During the summer months Arundel is a popular tourist attraction. If they feel so inclined visitors can hire a row boat on the lake.

I do hope I find you well and happy as I find myself.

                   Take care.