I am feeling poorly. Proper poorly. I have spent most of today in bed feeling sorry for myself. With good reason too. What this is, is man flu. The worst kind. It started off as a slight sore throat two days ago (I am such a martyr. It was actually a horribly painful sore throat, but I'm not one to complain) and rapidly developed into the killer man flu.
Too be honest, I don't know where I am getting the strength from to write this. But I take my responsibilities regarding you my loyal friends very seriously. So with the help of a walking frame, have forced myself out of bed and sat myself here.
Obviously not much has happened today. I have almost got through four rolls of kitchen paper due to a severe runny nose. I shall take a photograph of the piles of snotty tissue later, when I am not so weak. This has been an opportunity to test out something I heard about recently. Did you know that each nostril takes it in turn to be runny? I have proved this theory, and can now categorically state that each nostril runs separately for a period of four hours.Give or take a few minutes. The left pile of snotty tissues is exactly the same height as the right pile. Isn't that remarkable? So there you are, even when I am at death's door I am able to expand your knowledge!
I tried to read a book today, but it was too heavy for me to pick up. Tricia did buy me a newspaper but it was also too heavy. My arms are just not up to heavy lifting at the moment. So I just flipped gently through the pages, not really bothering to read. For all I know the world could have ended today.
The man from Sky TV came to fit the satellite dish down at the house. I haven't been down to see the new TV. My legs are far too weak to make those fifty yards. Usually when there is a strange man in the house I make sure I'm there too. Just in case he attempts to seduce Tricia and the two of them run away together. Not to worry though, I just phoned down to the house and Tricia is still there. Mind you it pays to be aware of what might happen.
Now then, what I don't want is all you lady readers rushing round here and taking care of me. I have beaten this man flu before, and I shall do so again. Heaven forbid that you ladies should contract this virulent and wicked contagion.
I must go now while I still have enough strength left to suck some thin gruel through a straw.
In the event that I am taken to glory by this: Please no flowers!