Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Indigestion. The Genuine Painful Heartburn Type.

Today is not a day for slouching. I have to sit here at my desk in a bolt upright position. Occasionally I shall utter a swear word. Luckily Bonnie the ginger cat is asleep. She hates to hear me swear. I know she does because I have seen the look of utter contempt she gives me when I do. Sadie the German Shepherd doesn't seem too bothered. I suppose she has got used to it. She's in no position to object anyway, because you should have heard what she said to that maurauding fox last night! I had to cover my ears. Mind you she had good cause. We found her marrowbone halfway across the back field this morning. That is the second time it's been stolen this week!

Why am I sitting bolt upright, instead of my usual slouch? Indi - bloody - gestion that's why. Heartburn. Painful? Too right! No one has ever had indigestion as bad as this. I am an absolute martyr to it and it's........ Oh that was good. I just did a big burp! Sorry. I beg your pardon. Excuse me. See how well mannered I am?

I was about to say. It's my own fault this indigestion. Foolishly I have stopped eating my oatmeal porridge in the mornings. I never get indigestion when I eat oatmeal porridge. Don't ask me why. I haven't a clue. All I know is that I read somewhere that it would prevent indigestion, and it does. Unfortunately it gets a bit boring after a few years and I felt I needed a change. So I have been eating bacon sandwiches instead. This is not a good thing to do, and I am ashamed of myself. I once swore never to eat bacon again, because I felt sad for the piggies. Then one day I was passing a workman's cafe and doesn't frying bacon smell nice?

Also I have run out of oatmeal. They do stock it in the nearby supermarket....Oh excuse me! I beg your pardon! That one caught me by surprise. However if I venture into the supermarket I tend to get carried away with spending and buy stuff I don't need. Last time I went into Sainbury's I bought four wood pigeons and a twelve pack of condoms (extra large). I had to throw the wood pigeons away because they went off. I don't even like wood pigeons. What? The pack of.....? Oi! Don't be so personal! All I will say is, that I am keeping a note of the use by date. There is still time!

Do you know what? I think those two big burps have done the trick. The pain has gone. Thank God for that! I can slouch again. I suppose I shall have to brave the supermarket tomorrow. I shall leave my bank card at home. Oh dear. Pardon me. I do apologise.


  1. Replies
    1. I should have qualified that I meant nothing about condoms.
      Jane x

  2. I hate to be one of those gloom and doom people but... My father had a case of severe heartburn. He sat down to get the same relief you did. After a bit of complaining such as you just did he told my mother that perhaps she should take him to the hospital. The hospital was less than a mile away but by the time they arrived my mother knew it was bad. He suffered a severe heart attack and was dead within a short time. Please take care of yourself.

  3. I hate to admit this but I occasionally get indigestion now. I think it must be an age thing. I have always been proud of my ability to eat whatever I wanted at any time of day. (I have been known to have leftover curry for breakfast). Recently however things have changed and I even keep Rennies in the house. Ah well, thats life. One of the penalties of getting old but it sure as hell beats the alternative.

  4. Be sure to send the pack my way if you become anxious about the expiry date. Would not like them to go to waste!

  5. A good laugh for the first of the month. Keep them coming,& get back to that oatmeal, much better for you.

  6. It's not that I'm unsympathetic, you understand, but this post really made me laugh out loud. Ah, bacon, I can't resist the smell of bacon cooking, with maybe a sausage or two, some baked beans (they work!), black pudding, and some eggs.

    Hope you feel better soon and don't forget to send the pack to Paul before the expiry date.... whaaaaaaaaaaaa.

  7. John, I sympathise with you completely...indigestion can be quite annoying, yet painful.
    You may also use hot ginger tea (ginger crystal packets work well) or 2 teaspoons of Apple Cider Vinegar (Braggs) in a cup of water to aid your indigestion.
    Please make sure that you wash Sadie's bone well before giving it back to her...I don't trust that fox.
    As for the other items mentioned, Paul above has already staked a claim for them, so make sure they don't go to waste......

  8. I have a vibration machine that I stand on and it shakes the food down and the burps out and makes me feel great in no time.

  9. Better the wind comes up rather than goes down. Ooops, 'scuse me, the beans last night :o)

  10. From recent personal experience, I can only caution against any medicines with codeine in them.

  11. I love ginger for Heartburn too. I always keep a supply of not candied ginger around for severe heartburn. Did not know that about oatmeal. But it can be tiring everyday.

  12. I've never suffered from indigestion although now that I've said that I'll probably get it. I do love the smell, and taste of bacon though

  13. Oh John you do make me smile but I'm not smiling at your indigestion. Had that too many times to think that's funny, it's not! Hmmm....bacon sandwiches, porridge, bacon sandwiches, porridge. Waying it up here. I eat porridge for breakfast quite a bit, but oh dear, the bacon sandwich is tempting. I'd recommend a couple of strong peppermints for indigestion. It works wonders with me.