Today is not a day for slouching. I have to sit here at my desk in a bolt upright position. Occasionally I shall utter a swear word. Luckily Bonnie the ginger cat is asleep. She hates to hear me swear. I know she does because I have seen the look of utter contempt she gives me when I do. Sadie the German Shepherd doesn't seem too bothered. I suppose she has got used to it. She's in no position to object anyway, because you should have heard what she said to that maurauding fox last night! I had to cover my ears. Mind you she had good cause. We found her marrowbone halfway across the back field this morning. That is the second time it's been stolen this week!
Why am I sitting bolt upright, instead of my usual slouch? Indi - bloody - gestion that's why. Heartburn. Painful? Too right! No one has ever had indigestion as bad as this. I am an absolute martyr to it and it's........ Oh that was good. I just did a big burp! Sorry. I beg your pardon. Excuse me. See how well mannered I am?
I was about to say. It's my own fault this indigestion. Foolishly I have stopped eating my oatmeal porridge in the mornings. I never get indigestion when I eat oatmeal porridge. Don't ask me why. I haven't a clue. All I know is that I read somewhere that it would prevent indigestion, and it does. Unfortunately it gets a bit boring after a few years and I felt I needed a change. So I have been eating bacon sandwiches instead. This is not a good thing to do, and I am ashamed of myself. I once swore never to eat bacon again, because I felt sad for the piggies. Then one day I was passing a workman's cafe and doesn't frying bacon smell nice?
Also I have run out of oatmeal. They do stock it in the nearby supermarket....Oh excuse me! I beg your pardon! That one caught me by surprise. However if I venture into the supermarket I tend to get carried away with spending and buy stuff I don't need. Last time I went into Sainbury's I bought four wood pigeons and a twelve pack of condoms (extra large). I had to throw the wood pigeons away because they went off. I don't even like wood pigeons. What? The pack of.....? Oi! Don't be so personal! All I will say is, that I am keeping a note of the use by date. There is still time!
Do you know what? I think those two big burps have done the trick. The pain has gone. Thank God for that! I can slouch again. I suppose I shall have to brave the supermarket tomorrow. I shall leave my bank card at home. Oh dear. Pardon me. I do apologise.