Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Love Techniques. How To Bring Back Forgotten Skills.

Last night I was very tired. It had been a long day and to tell the truth I was completely Kerry Packered, so after watching the football with my extremely handsome son George, I took myself off to bed at about eleven o'clock. This is an early night for me. Slept on my own again.  I mention that fact just in case anyone was wondering how I am getting on in the romance stakes.

I think I may have lost the edge when it comes to chatting up the ladies. It wasn't so long ago that all it took was a smouldering look from me and the women would be lining up to be next. Oh well it was good while it lasted. But hey, it may not be too late. I shall start practicing. Hone the old technique. It'll come back to me. Seduction is a bit like riding a bike. Once you have mastered the technique, it never leaves you. It's just that sometimes the chain comes off. If there was only some way of letting the ladies know how good I am at it, without the risk of sounding like a dirty old man? Kerry Packered? Oh that's rhyming slang for knackered. Knackered? Means tired, exhausted.

Why were you so tired last night John boy? What had you been up too?

Walking. That's what I'd been doing. We went for a walk. Me and Sadie the German Shepherd. We walked a trail through woodland on the edge of the South Downs.

Listen, can you keep a secret? Of course you can. So please don't tell anyone. No seriously. Don't tell anyone. Not a soul. There is enough rumour and gossip going on as it is. There was a woman with me. Yes I know. Unbelievable! Calm down! Calm down! It was only a walk for goodness sake. There was none of that blanket on the ground stuff going on. Not only that but we had arranged to meet. That's sort of like a date isn't it. The reason I was so tired afterwards is because I was enjoying her company so much that I forgot to stop walking, and just carried on, well past the time when I would normally turn around and head back. Even Sadie the German Shepherd was knackered afterwards, so that'll give you some idea of how far we walked. But it was so enjoyable. We are going to do it again.

Anyway that's why I think I may need to brush up my seduction technique. Because during the walk, all I could talk about was the nature all around us, "Look at that tree. What beautiful colours the leaves are. The Beech is one of my favourite trees. Hey did you see that? That was a dragonfly. Did you know it's called a hawker?. There are some quite rare plants growing in this chalky soil. Did you know that the chalkhill blue butterfly would be extinct if...?"

I never asked her once if she would fancy a bit of the other. See what I mean. I definitely need to brush up on things.

Not wanting to waste any time, I decided to see if I could get a date with an attractive woman who works in one of the local shops. I have fancied her for ages. So I went straight in for the kill. Both guns blazing.

"Hallo Gorgeous, You are looking lovely today. What time do you get off work? How about coming down the pub with me later?"

Do you know what she said? She said: "What's up with you John? Have you been drinking? Are you on drugs?"

"No," I said, "I do think you are lovely, and I wanted you to have the chance to find out what a fantastic lover I am."

"Oh you are funny," she said laughing uproariously. "Now go away, I have customers to serve."

Which I found quite hopeful. She never said no exactly, and I made her laugh. You know what they say: If you can make a woman laugh....

I knew the old skills were there. But you know if you don't use it, you might lose it. I am keeping that thought in mind. Look out ladies Mr Smooth is coming to get you!


  1. Perhaps you should change your environment...go on a trip and I can almost guarantee success since you have already had experience with seduction. Give it a whirl.

    Just returned from an awesome trip to Cuba. Perhaps that might be fertile territory for you!!

  2. Watch out for those long, arranged walks, that's how my hubby fell for me! It's the truth, he fell on a huge, slippery rock at the end of the jetty we were walking on! I felt so bad for him that I nursed his bruised leg and ego when we got back to his place and we've been together for 15 yrs. now!

    No need to brush up on your seduction techniques...just yet, be yourself and let the humorous side of you lead the way.

  3. Sometimes you can try too hard. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't so what. Chocolate is a good substitute :o)

  4. It sounds like you and your friend the hiker are off to a good start. You spent a lovely COMFORTABLE time together. Being at ease with each other will lead to more intimate encounters when it feels right. The seductions you speak of are wonderful for one night stands but if you want something more lasting the hiking is going to do it. After all she cannot resist your charms forever, can she?

  5. Hahaha! That's funny. See, what you guys don't seem to understand is that we ladies can tell a 'line' a mile off and it pretty nearly always puts us off. We are immediately suspious and on our guard .. unless we simply think you're joking and laugh uproariously, of course!

    Truth? I could be seduced by a man (OK, the RIGHT man) talking to me about nature during a long relaxing walk, especially if he had a good sense of humour, which you certainly seem to!

    Don't sweat it!

  6. *snickering*

    Oh, definitely sweat it!

    But you had a lovely walk, eh? So it's not a total loss. And she's had her botany lesson for the week, yes?

    "I wanted you to have a chance to find out what a fantastic lover I am"? ROFLMAO!!

  7. Hey, at least you are trying. A walk is a lovely way to start a fling, I mean friendship. :)

  8. Love the rhyming slang. The bearded wonder won me over with his sense of humour. We laugh lots every day.

  9. Well, I will be very careful if we ever meet. I can see your seduction skills are honed to a fine edge.