Last night I was very tired. It had been a long day and to tell the truth I was completely Kerry Packered, so after watching the football with my extremely handsome son George, I took myself off to bed at about eleven o'clock. This is an early night for me. Slept on my own again. I mention that fact just in case anyone was wondering how I am getting on in the romance stakes.
I think I may have lost the edge when it comes to chatting up the ladies. It wasn't so long ago that all it took was a smouldering look from me and the women would be lining up to be next. Oh well it was good while it lasted. But hey, it may not be too late. I shall start practicing. Hone the old technique. It'll come back to me. Seduction is a bit like riding a bike. Once you have mastered the technique, it never leaves you. It's just that sometimes the chain comes off. If there was only some way of letting the ladies know how good I am at it, without the risk of sounding like a dirty old man? Kerry Packered? Oh that's rhyming slang for knackered. Knackered? Means tired, exhausted.
Why were you so tired last night John boy? What had you been up too?
Walking. That's what I'd been doing. We went for a walk. Me and Sadie the German Shepherd. We walked a trail through woodland on the edge of the South Downs.
Listen, can you keep a secret? Of course you can. So please don't tell anyone. No seriously. Don't tell anyone. Not a soul. There is enough rumour and gossip going on as it is. There was a woman with me. Yes I know. Unbelievable! Calm down! Calm down! It was only a walk for goodness sake. There was none of that blanket on the ground stuff going on. Not only that but we had arranged to meet. That's sort of like a date isn't it. The reason I was so tired afterwards is because I was enjoying her company so much that I forgot to stop walking, and just carried on, well past the time when I would normally turn around and head back. Even Sadie the German Shepherd was knackered afterwards, so that'll give you some idea of how far we walked. But it was so enjoyable. We are going to do it again.
Anyway that's why I think I may need to brush up my seduction technique. Because during the walk, all I could talk about was the nature all around us, "Look at that tree. What beautiful colours the leaves are. The Beech is one of my favourite trees. Hey did you see that? That was a dragonfly. Did you know it's called a hawker?. There are some quite rare plants growing in this chalky soil. Did you know that the chalkhill blue butterfly would be extinct if...?"
I never asked her once if she would fancy a bit of the other. See what I mean. I definitely need to brush up on things.
Not wanting to waste any time, I decided to see if I could get a date with an attractive woman who works in one of the local shops. I have fancied her for ages. So I went straight in for the kill. Both guns blazing.
"Hallo Gorgeous, You are looking lovely today. What time do you get off work? How about coming down the pub with me later?"
Do you know what she said? She said: "What's up with you John? Have you been drinking? Are you on drugs?"
"No," I said, "I do think you are lovely, and I wanted you to have the chance to find out what a fantastic lover I am."
"Oh you are funny," she said laughing uproariously. "Now go away, I have customers to serve."
Which I found quite hopeful. She never said no exactly, and I made her laugh. You know what they say: If you can make a woman laugh....
I knew the old skills were there. But you know if you don't use it, you might lose it. I am keeping that thought in mind. Look out ladies Mr Smooth is coming to get you!