Thursday, 1 November 2012

A Touch Of Wind.

Happily the heartburn I suffered from yesterday (Oh how I suffered. You have no idea. I am an absolute martyr to it) has gone. Where it has gone to I don't know or care, but wherever it is it can stay there. If it does come back though I shall bear it with my usual brave fortitude. Unless of course it is not heartburn. I mean, what if it is something more sinister? What if it is, I'll say this quietly, heart trouble?

Tomorrow morning first thing. I shall make an appointment with the Doctor. I shall tell him I have come about my painful big toe (although that seems to have cured itself for the moment) and then, just as I am about to leave the surgery I shall casually mention that I am a bit concerned about my heart. At which point he shall ask what it is that is giving me cause for concern, and I shall mention the pain in my chest. He will then ask me,"Do you smoke?"

"Thank you Doctor," I shall say, That would be nice," and we shall sit there smoking, and putting the world to rights, in the way that blokes do. I shall leave his surgery with a tube of deep heat rub, and the advice to, "Rest up a bit on the walking."

Usually by this time, possibly due to the several glasses of whiskey I have drunk whilst we chatted, I shall have forgotten about my heart concerns. He really is the most wonderful Doctor.

They do say that walking, is good for the heart, and also making love to a beautiful woman is supposed to be very beneficial. As you may know, if you read this blog often. I do a lot of walking.

At one stage I used to walk ten miles every day, and I did feel the better for it, although it was a bit of a nuisance having to get a taxi home every week. Seventy mile taxi rides are very expensive!

Anyway that's enough talking about my heart. I am feeling better today. It probably was just indigestion.

I don't wish to sound morbid, but I have just thought of a great epitaph for my headstone: "He thought it was just a touch of wind!" How cool is that?

I wonder if it's possible to get a beautiful woman on the National Health Service? Purely for medicinal reasons of course. I would settle for an ugly one, but I really have to consider my heart!


  1. Thank you for having your ^&^#% checked. We expect a good report from you. As for the beautiful woman you should check it out. You never know until you ask.

  2. Hub,
    I have thoroughly enjoyed your blog posts for months and months now. I can see your artistic ways, even through your writing. I can read the humor on the written lines, in between them and all the way through them. However, just so you know, I think this is one of my favorites. My cheeks were sore due to laughing and smiling the entire time while reading. That is not to say I was laughing at your concern about your h---t, just the explanation of it all and your use of teenie letters to explain your hush.(clever).
    Please figure out a way to include this post into your book. You'll nab the readers with it, if they aren't already nabbed.
    With smiles,
    Margi, aka:Claire King.

  3. Well, be sure your doctor checks you right. Om's doctor told him he had acid reflux for a year. Then he had a heart attack. Can you spell "new doctor?"

  4. Well, you do have a computer--and over HERE we have the ability to check out the doctor before actually GOING to see them.
    I'm personally never bothered. But I don't have concerns about my....ummmmmm.......physician!
    Almost wrote the 'H' word there. *whew* That was CLOSE!


  5. Women for medicinal purposes...isn't that already legal somewhere? Just make sure you follow directions carefully, too much of a good thing can be bad for the ♥! ;)

  6. By all means, discuss your concerns with your doctor. You'll be referred to a cardiologist who can clear up these concerns with two tests that tickle --ekg and sonogram-- and one that requires rather a lot of walking--treadmill. I did and now I eat bacon sandwiches again.

  7. They do say running upstairs is good for the heart... pity you don't have any. I hope you weren't joking (like you do) about seeing the doctor, even if you do get drunk whilst there. Have a great weekend, John.

  8. Well I mentioned my heart to my doctor and she sent me quick smart to a cardiac specialist who immediately wired me up and made me run on his running machine. I to,d him I'd have him for attempted murder if he didn't turn it off.


  9. I've just been sent this email which made me laugh and I thought I know another teller of tall tales who might enjoy this so here goes......

    Pensioner's reply re being banned from Tesco

    Didn't like shopping there anyway.
    Yesterday I was at my local TESCO's Store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was
    in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
    Because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
    complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ar*e and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO's. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

    Hope that made you smile.

    1. I love it Eileen. I shall be telling this story at the next open mic night. Thanks for the laugh.

  10. While you are making that doctors appointment the rest of us won't be needing it because laughter is the best medicine and you give us a regular dose of it.

  11. Too funny. I wish my doctor was as progressive as your guy. He will not even give me a cigarette after he is poked around in my prostrate if you know what I mean. Good luck with the walking or finding that woman because I know all of us want that heart of yours to keep beating for a long time because we love reading your stuff. Take care of yourself and have a good weekend.

  12. John, seems like the visit to your doctor did your heart, and ours, much good!

  13. John, I hope your visit to the doctor has proved that your h...t is just fine and dandy. It was probably indigestion or total excitement from building your own tipi.
    Please take care of yourself, we need you.