What is that light I thought to myself? I haven't seen that before? But it was only the sun shining through the mollicroft windows this morning when I woke up. It has been so long since I saw it that I had forgotten what it looked like.
It got me out of bed early for a change, but there was something not quite right. What is it? As I was waiting for the toast to burn it suddenly struck me. I was feeling better! The man flu that has plagued me for the last fortnight, and that I had borne with such fortitude and let's not mess about here, real bravery, had gone. How wonderful! I had got through it! I had defeated a determined enemy! The sun was shining to congratulate me on a battle well fought, and it was saying to me, "It's a beautiful day for a long walk with Sadie the German Shepherd. It was going to be fantastic day. The sun was shining on me! I began preparing for the day ahead. Then it got even better! Yes I know. I couldn't believe it either.
The phone rang. I was going to ignore it, because as much as I love talking to my friends in India, I didn't really feel like buying anything and sometimes they can go on a bit. But hold on a minute! That isn't the landline phone ringing, that is my mobile. So I answered it.
"Hi John," said the sexiest voice I have ever heard ever, in my entire long life, "It's Samantha. Isn't it a beautiful day?"
Unfortunately I had just bitten off a slice of toast, and I was so excited to hear her lovely voice that I started choking on it. Then I dropped the toast and it landed in the cat's water bowl, as I bent to pick it up I bashed my head on the open fridge door, and as I was getting up again I hit the back of my head on the worktop, dropped the toast again and then had to quickly cover it with my foot because Sadie the German Shepherd tried to eat it, but instead she bit my toe, and then I skidded on the buttery toast and accidentally did the splits! Which was quite painful, and I think something in the lower region got stretched a bit!
"Are you feeling better John? Has that nasty man flu gone? You sound a bit breathless."
"Oh you clever handsome boy," she purred. "Well done. I was wondering if you would like to go for a walk, as it is such a lovely day?"
Of course Samantha is absolutely besotted with me. Which I can understand. I mean I am extremely attractive to women. It is something I have had to live with all my life. We all have our crosses to bear, and being blessed with good looks and a perfectly proportioned physique is mine. I have had to tell her to be patient and not to rush me.
Oh and by the way. She said that if I say anything in this blog that isn't the absolute truth, then I must make it absolutely clear that I am joking. I wonder what she meant by that?