Thursday, 6 September 2012

A Guest Post By An Unknown Author.

Sometimes I think about having a television again. Not to watch really. I know there is a lot of rubbish on it. It is more to have something on in the background. To hear voices. I'm a lonely old sod you know. I can go days at a time without saying more than a few words to anyone. Apart from Sadie the German Shepherd, Bonnie the cat, or Sunny Jim my big old cock.

They are quite good company, but if I say anything controversial in an attempt to get a good argumentative response from them it never works. Sadie just looks at me adoringly, ears up and attuned for the word walkies, while Bonnie doesn't do arguments, preferring to make her feelings known by killing the next small creature that happens to pass by. As for Sunny Jim all he does is mount one of the hens and give her a good seeing to, before looking at me with a big grin on his beak, and crowing in what I can only describe as, 'a gloating way'. I mean really, as if I'd be jealous of a big cock. But I tell you what if he does it once more, gloats at me like that I mean, he will end up as Sunday dinner.

I have tried listening to the radio, but it doesn't do it for me. It is either too high brow, or too utterly inane. I have yet to find anything to listen to that rocks my boat. There are a couple of comedy panel games, but I always forget when they are on.

Instead of a television, I suppose I could get myself a woman. I do think along those lines occasionally. The trouble is though, whereas when you have had enough of the television it can be switched off, with a woman they don't have an off switch. You try and switch a woman off in mid flow, well it doesn't bear thinking about. Not that any man in his right mind would ever try such a thing.

A man has to seriously weigh up the options. Television or woman? Woman or television? They both have their good points, and their bad points. It is one hell of a dilemma. But I have come to a decision.

I am going to look for a woman with a portable television set. In this way when I have had enough of hearing her voice. I can take the TV,  retreat to the shed in the garden and not watch it there.

Now before you have a go at me about being selfish, leaving her on her own like that, please bear in mind that there is always plenty of housework to keep a woman occupied. You see, I'm not selfish. I always take other peoples feelings into consideration.

Disclaimer: This has been a guest post by a very silly man who has now gone into hiding. It is pure coincidence that he also has a German Shepherd called Sadie, a cat called Bonnie, and a big old cock! I have allowed publication because I believe all men should have somewhere to safely express an opinion controversial or not.

Lots of love to all you lovely ladies out there. Oh all right and the men.


  1. I think the 'unknown author' may have a problem, he should worry less about how to switch a woman off and more about how to turn one on. That way they wouldnt need a telly at all !
    In my experience some men can go on a bit too, usually about sport or cars. Not all men of course I would not generalise. Some men have other hobbies.
    By the way have you got your Lister D 1.5 hp engine going yet ?

  2. Tha unknown author must have been your twin, Joh, because we all know you would not have meant any disrespect...right?

  3. John, you tell that "very silly man" to find a woman he can think around. They exist! Clever post!

  4. I think Sunny Jim is trying to tell Unknown Author might not need a television for company at all!!

  5. Actually your "guest author" has the right idea. After many of us have been on our own for a while we need to be alone. Companionship is wonderful but when those need to be alone feelings happen companionship be hanged. So what we need to do is find that happy medium where we can have a companion when we want one and have them go away at other times. Can you watch DVD's on your computer? That might give you the background noise you are looking for. Personally I like my television. Watching baseball is a good way to vent. You should hear me screaming at the TV. My children make fun of me but I enjoy myself. And remember being alone does not mean you are lonely.

  6. In this day and age with computers, you can pick up radio programs from all over the world. I particularly like the Prarie Home Companion Show from Minnesota. It is a wonderful mix of music (lots of great stuff) and comedy and the weekly news from Lake Wobegone a mythical town in Minnesota. The writings of Garrison Keilor always makes me giggle. Google it there are loads of episodes in their archives as its been going since the 70's. Did you read my comment regarding your book publication? is good as I recently donated $25 towards the publication of a book by a folk singer I know of (Kristina Olsen). She put the word out with everyone she knew to see who would donate and she got enough to get it up and running. Each person who donated got a copy of the book via PDF file. Here is her email address if you would like to find out more about what she did. Good luck

    1. Hi Deb. Yes I did have a look at kickstarter and was about to try and find out more when I discovered it was for the USA only.
      I have an author friend looking at the book at the moment for his opinion on it and am trying to forget about it for a few weeks and hopefully come back to it with fresh eyes. I want it to be the very best I can get it before I think about publishing.
      Thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot. As do your comments.
      Best wishes John.

  7. John, you should tell the unknown author that if he started writing a book he would forget about women and television, he would be glad of the peace and quiet.

  8. Yes, you should run and hide and enjoy the quiet.

  9. Thanks for the love, and good to see you were able to get an "unknown" author to make us chuckle.

  10. Certainly a hard choice. I need to be careful what I say here as someone is looking over my shoulder. Good luck with the TV/woman combo.

  11. WHY does this writer seem so familiar to me? I do believe we've crossed paths.