Remember I told you I had x-rays done, on my shoulder and toe? Well the results show arthritis in my toe and just a bit of wear in my shoulder.
I think the doctor said the arthritis was osteo something or other. I kind of stopped listening when he mentioned arthritis, because to tell you the truth, I have been thinking it was something far worse.
So arthritis. Crikey I can deal with that. I'm a tough guy.
When I mentioned that I had been thinking of hiking the 120 miles of the South Downs Way, he said, once he had stopped laughing and sniggering, that I could have cortisone injections in my toe.
But I don't want to have the injections. There are a couple of reasons why. 'A' he said they might not work, and 'B'.....
Sorry, there isn't a 'B'.
'A' it is then. The injections might not work.
When I told him this was my reason for not having the cortisone injections, he looked at me a bit strangely, had a look at his notes, and said, "Oh I see. It does say here though, that you have a fear of needles."
I was indignant. "I do not!" I said, in what I hoped was my most indignant voice.
He looked at me in the way people look when they feel pity for someone, "It says here that you do."
"Well it is obviously a mistake, you have the wrong notes there."
"There is no mistake. It says John Bain quite clearly."
"Haha!" I say exultantly, "You have the wrong John Bain!"
He gave me that pitying look again, "There is only the one John Bain on my consulting list, and that John Bain is you, and you, it states quite clearly, have a fear of needles." He said this slowly, and to my way of thinking, in a patronising tone of voice.
"I do not have a fear of needles."
"Yes you do."
"Do." He was quiet for a moment, then, "It's a very common fear."
"Maybe it is." I countered, "But I don't have it!"
"There is nothing to be ashamed of," he went on, adding, "Even I'm a bit afraid of needles."
"But I'm not afraid," I said, and clutching my right shoe in one hand, pulling my sock on with the other, I hopped, and stumbled from his consulting room, shouting back over my shoulder, "AND I'M NOT ASHAMED EITHER."
It was then I noticed the people in the waiting area. They all heard me telling the Doctor in no uncertain terms, that I wasn't ashamed. They were all looking at me, and I knew they were thinking: What isn't he ashamed of?
It'll be all over the village by now, I can almost hear them gossiping. That John Bain, he's been up to something disgusting, and he's not even ashamed of himself.
Me! Afraid of needles! They can get those notes altered for a start!
I bet those x-ray results are wrong too. Arthritis! Bit of wear in the shoulder! That can't be right. With the pain I'm going through!
I'm a martyr to it! I may have mentioned that before.