Thursday, 1 December 2011

The Introverted Extrovert. The Shyly Confident Man. That'll Be Me.

Sometimes the thought occurs to me that I'm slightly odd. Perhaps a bit different in the way I think and see life. Some of my thoughts and ideas, if I mention them to people, get me strange looks.

Maybe everyone has eccentricities, but most are able to keep them internalised.

The reason I am an artist, could be down solely to the fact that I can paint what is in my head. That I need to paint my thoughts, as well as speak them out loud. Surrealism.

Writing this blog, is probably due to the fact that I like an audience. Now that is weird, because to tell you the truth, I am a very shy person. I think I am an introvert, and yet I do act a lot of the time in an extroverted way.....Oh excuse me for a moment, my extremely handsome son George is calling.

"Hang on a minute Son, I just have to save this."

Two miles, two tins of dog food, one chocolate bar and a newspaper later. Here I am back again. He just needed a lift to the station. He is off to college. It's 11am. Strange starting times they have these days. Hmmm, there's that word strange again.

Anyway where was I before that interruption to my thoughts? Oh yes, I said I was an introvert. That is true. But I am actually an introverted extrovert. Which is to say that most of my, bonhomie, my hail fellow, well met, attitude to life, is a bluff. Not in a horrid way I hasten to add. If we meet up and I greet you effusively, it is because I am truly pleased to see you. It is just that my enthusiasm is there to mask my shyness. I call it shyness, but basically it boils down to a lack of confidence. Which goes right back to my childhood problems. You can hide lots of trauma deep inside your mind, but there is no hiding from the fact that it is still there.

I am able to get on to a stage, and sing, and play my guitar. I love to do that, but paradoxically it it not an easy thing for me to do. I do it because I feel the need to fight against my lack of confidence. I am proving something to myself. I am not kidding myself that I have a nice singing voice, and I certainly can't play the guitar well.

What's that you say? You have heard me sing, and you think I'm.... That is so kind of you. Thanks for that. That is just what I needed. A confidence boost.

Many years ago, I had an idea. It was an escape idea. I used to think about escaping the realities of life. I used to think like that, because sometimes I could not cope with the issues that life threw at me. Well, the idea I had was to live in a converted bus. That way when things got on top of me, I could simply drive away from them.

If you have read quite a few of my posts you will be aware of my skirmishes with the law. They were all to do with a lack of self esteem. I figured that if people were the root cause of all my troubles, then it was best to keep away from them. Life however is not that simple. Human needs tend to get in the way. I'm talking about emotional needs here, although the human condition, also calls for physical comforts too, if I may put it that way. Relationships, interaction, we have a need for these things.

My word I do tend to ramble on at times. What I want to say is that I finally got to grips with life. I learned to cope. I dealt with my issues. I got on with things, as we must all learn to do. I am all right now. Just maybe a little bit eccentric. Which is why I like to live my, almost, self sufficient lifestyle, in this wagon, rather than a house.

When I sat here this morning to write for you, it was because of the leak in the wagon roof. I was going to tell you about rain falling on my face, as I lay in bed. I was going to tell you about how I knew the leak needed fixing, but that I have been too lazy to do it. I was going to write about that, but, as is my way, I got sidetracked.

Bonnie the cat was sleeping on my bed last night, which was lucky. I was able to use her to mop up the water. Please do not be concerned for her. I have wrung her out thoroughly and she is hanging on the line to dry.

Sorry for rambling on like this.

No animals were made to suffer during the making of this blogpost.


  1. John you are so funny, I love your sense of humor. I have some very good friends who may be considered a little eccentric, I may be one of them ;) I could have done with your cat a few months back, we had a whole lot of leaks in our roof we finally had to get it recovered. Hopefully it will last another 30 years.

  2. 1) Don't apologise for rambling...we're used to it.
    2) I use my cats as dusters...animals like to have a job.
    Jane x

  3. Don't feel bad, I'm a bit odd too. Most things that come out of my mouth get me strange looks from other people

  4. Well said - it is true what you said about shyness and its cause and the cover ups we use to dissemble our tyrant shyness. In fact I would go so far as to say that many performers are, in fact, overcoming their natural shyness. With age we also have less at stake and and I find I do not care so much what other people think of me.
    Go mend your roof now because, from memory, cats do not like getting wet.

  5. You are indeed a funny man. You are not odd just special. Like mom used to say, if everyone were to think and act the same way, the world would be extremely dull. So when others give you that strange look it means you are different from them and special in your own way. Happy blogging, keep it up, if not I would have nothing amusing to read about.

  6. I am an introvert who also loves to play music for an audience, also not that well. It is a form of release in the need for a boost in what would be perceived as low confidence. I seem to be singing from a similar song sheet.

  7. Hmmm like meets like, methinks. Good post.

  8. I understand all that. I'm a shy and reclusive person pretending to be public. How does that work?

  9. I think all artists have some kind of childhood leftover be it good or bad. I myself cannot paint or draw but I do love to write and photograph things. I have not much self esteem as far as my work goes. I am always surprised to hear someone likes my work. The childhood no praise thing takes a long time to get over. You are a very talented painter and I love your writing a tragic childhood makes a great artist I wonder if this is always true.Maybe that is what makes us try harder.
    Love the kitty mop :). B

  10. John, you are truly unique. This was a profoundly insightful post. As far as being strange, in our family it is a requirement. I must admit though that my daughter-in-law and my oldest granddaughter have been laughingly hinting that I need to be put away. And only yesterday my daughter called me crazy. Perhaps I have gone too far?

  11. No wonder I like you so much, you have pretty much described me. I love blogging because I also want an audience. But I do it anonymously because I am shy. Well and because I write about friends and family, maybe that's more it.

    I also feel that much of my life is a bluff. Big tough Kden, complaining her life away, when really she's just an insecure little girl.

  12. Wouldn't it be such a boring old world if we all had the same personalities.