It felt a bit warmer today. The weather I mean. Not any particular part of my anatomy. I wrote that last sentence because when I stated that it felt a bit warmer today, some of you might have misconstrued what I meant when I used the word 'it'. So just to reiterate, what I am talking about is the weather. Not my willy. Hope I have cleared that up for you. Those of you that did misunderstand. The rest of you can just carry on as normal. Although my willy did actually feel quite warm. I'm calling it a willy so as not to offend anyone by using the word penis, which to my mind would be entirely inappropriate. Though not nearly as inappropriate as some of the other words I thought about using. Oh dear, sorry, I expect you are now thinking about those words. Yes those were a couple I thought of. However I insist on maintaining standards.
It wasn't actually that much warmer, although I did at one stage around midday remove one of my jumpers. As it turned out this was a mistake and I quickly put it back on again. When I say quickly put it back on, that isn't strictly true, because one of the sleeves had got twisted inside out and trying to free it whilst having one arm and my head stuck took a few seconds, and quite a lot of swear words, longer than normal.
The weather has deteriorated now and it has got cold again. Not only that but the wind has got up and the rain is pissing down. I just went outside and can confirm that the rain is very cold. To my way of thinking the rain in April should be warm. Do you remember the song, 'drip drip drip little April showers, da da di da da di da?' Something like that. I forget the rest of the song. Not that it matters, it's a rubbish song. But there was a bit in it about the rain being warm in April. Or maybe not. I might have the wrong song entirely.
There is another song. 'April showers are for the very young' la di da di la di da di day. Or something along those lines. It is obviously a song for youngsters. Though why that should be is beyond me. Maybe the bloke who wrote it didn't like old people? Or perhaps its because old people shouldn't go out in the rain? They might get pneumonia, or fall over in the wet conditions. You never really know with the elderly. Come to think of it I can't remember seeing an old person out in the rain lately. It was a common sight once. I can recall old ladies walking about with see through plastic raincoats and those little folding plastic hats to protect their perms. But you don't see them about these days. It could be something to do with plastic being out of favour nowadays. It is you know, out of favour. I get some really black looks when I'm carrying my shopping home in a plastic carrier bag. What about old men I hear you say? Well they take shelter in the nearest pub. No elderly man would ever be out in the rain. At least not since old men's raincoats went out of fashion, to be replaced by brightly coloured cagoules. Which no old man would be seen dead in.
This was going to be a post about global warming, but I seem to have got sidetracked. I do believe that global warming has been officially debunked, and is now known as climate change. That's only because they can't bear to admit the truth. Just change the rules and carry on as before.
Did you know that this has been the coldest winter in thirty years? Global warming my arse! Talking about my arse, well actually all arses whether human or animal, they are responsible for a lot of the greenhouse gases that have made a hole in the ozone layer apparently. So next time you break wind you can blame yourself for a lot of the damage. If it exists that is. Which it doesn't. Otherwise keep on farting and blaming it on the dog. That is if you believe the nonsense about the hole in the ozone layer. They, whoever they are, seem to have gone a bit quiet about the ozone layer, since climate change came into fashion.
I am really proud of what I have just written. It sounds very learned. I might submit it to the Royal Geographical Society. These words deserve a wider audience.