I got out of bed. Turned the computer on, as I passed it. Let Sadie the German Shepherd out. Got dressed.
Sniffed socks. Decided socks had another days wear in them. Put them on. Went out and opened the pop
hole on the hen house. Scattered the hens some corn. Had a pee in the hedge. Came back indoors. Washed
my hands and face with cold water. Fed Bonnie the cat. Filled the kettle. Switched it on. Made a cup of tea.
Went down to the house. Fed Tricia's cats, Mr Blanchard and Tinkerbell. Mr Blanchard was in need of some affection. I sat on the sofa with him for a while. Told him what a beautiful black and white cat he is. Came back to the wagon. Drank my tea. Which was cold. Brushed my teeth. Sprinkled water on my hair because it was sticking up. Decided it then looked too flat. Mussed it up again. Thought it looked better. Admired myself in the mirror briefly. Stretched the skin on my face with my hands. Thought it made me look younger. Briefly yearned to be young again. Wondered if false eyelashes would suit me. Put two slices of wholemeal bread in the toaster. Looked at computer. Read some emails from you. Felt good about myself knowing you cared enough to comment on my blog. Listened to myself singing a couple of times on youtube. Listened to myself singing a couple more times. Thought I sounded good. Briefly imagined that a record producer might see me on youtube and make me famous. Thought about all the women I would meet if I was famous. Put butter and marmalade on toast and ate it. Wished that the butter wouldn't sink in. Thought I should have made more toast. Couldn't be bothered to make more. Had a drink of strawberry and banana smoothie. Swigged straight from the carton. Congratulated myself on my healthy eating regime. Thought I should have waited to brush my teeth. Put the kettle on again. Went back down to the house. Went to the toilet. Wondered if two rolls of toilet paper would last for a fortnight. Decided it possibly would if I was careful. Wondered if it would work out cheaper in the long run to install a bidet. Realised I had never used a bidet. Wondered what it would feel like. Had a shower, using some liquid gel that smelt like coconut. Thought I smelled very nice. Found out what using a bidet would feel like. Quite a tickly but not unpleasant feeling. Wondered if women like the smell of coconuts. Came back to wagon. Looked at my bank account online. Made myself feel unhappy. Logged out of account. Decided not to look again for a while. Put on my wellington boots. Called Sadie. Put her lead on. Went for a walk up to the reservoir. The rain was warm. Enjoyed it. Came back. Got in car. Drove to shop. Bought newspaper. Bought pack of six jam doughnuts. Paid for these things with a co-op coupon. Came home. Read paper while eating doughnuts and drinking tea. Surprised to find I had eaten all the doughnuts. Felt slightly queasy. Thought of myself as being fat and greedy. Consoled myself by thinking they were only small doughnuts. Went back down to house to see if postman had been. Had a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions telling me how much pension I shall receive next month when I'm 65. Thought to myself, how will I live on that. Consoled myself with the thought that I might not even reach 65. Anything could happen in the next month. Felt slightly depressed with that thought. Told myself off. Decided not to worry. Decided that the Lord will provide. Decided it might be prudent to start believing in the Lord a bit more. Got text message from Tricia. She has left her phone charger behind. Could I send it to her. I find charger and wrap it up. Walk with Sadie the German Shepherd to the Post Office. Talk to a lady in the park. She is nice. I hold my stomach in. She might think I look slim and healthy. Invite her to my party. She says she will come. I think she fancies me. Let my stomach out again when she has gone. Buy stamps in Post Office. Post parcel. Come home. Lie down on bed for a rest. Next door start their petrol strimmer. Give up trying to rest. Get up. Practice penny whistle. Sadie the German Shepherd goes and hides in kennel. Go back down to house. Feed cats. Have a pee. Think house could do with a bit of a tidy. Think about it a bit more. Decide it looks all right. So don't bother. Come back and try to do crossword in newspaper. The easy one. Can't do it. Look at computer again. A few more emails from you. Nice. Thank you. Read a few of your blogs. Leave a few comments. Think to myself how happy my comments will make you. Listen to myself singing on youtube again. Still think I sound good. Listen a few more times but not on youtube because I don't want to affect the viewing figures with my own watching. Wish it would stop raining. Go out to hen house. Collect five eggs. Should have put my wellingtons on. Decide I am stupid for wearing slippers outside. Socks are wet. Think about taking them off. Make pattern on floor of wet footprints while deciding. Try to see how far apart I can make footprints. Hurt my groin. Think to myself how stupid I am. Get hair dryer. Turn it on and direct it at wet socks. Ineffective. Get hot air paint stripper. Direct it at wet socks. Enjoy watching steam rising from my socks. Burn socks. Take socks off. Throw them in bin. Get clean socks from drawer. Put them on. Take them off again and apply Savlon cream to burnt foot. Put socks on again. Nice. Write my blog. Decide to share my latest youtube video with you. Feed Sadie the German Shepherd. Put some party invitations in my inside jacket pocket. Go and see some friends. Give them an invite. Stay chatting for a while. Show them my blog on their computer. I can tell how impressed they are. We listen to my song. I think it sounds good. They smile appreciatively. I can see how impressed they are. We decide to become facebook friends. I come home again. Go down to the house to watch television. Eventually work out how to turn television on. Wonder why it needs two remote controls. Start watching a film about a plane hijack. Fall asleep. Wake up at two in the morning. Wish I had torch to see my way up garden. Get drenched with water from overhanging wet branches. Get back to wagon. Bonnie the cat is hungry. Put some dry food in her dish. She looks at me in disgust. She goes out through the cat flap. I go to bed. Can't sleep. Read for a bit. You know what happens next.