Sunday, 30 June 2013

The Border Collie. A Walk With Samantha And The Dogs.

Samantha and I regularly meet up these days to walk our dogs Ned the Border Collie and Sadie the German Shepherd. Sadie has become like a big sensible sister to Ned and tries hard to set him a good example. Most of the time Sadie is well behaved, probably due to her getting a bit elderly, except for the times when she comes across a deep muddy puddle. She has taken to jumping into them and getting into a terrible soggy mess. Maybe this helps her arthritis? Unfortunately this behaviour has coincided with me getting my new campervan, the inside of which is now starting to smell like a dog kennel!

Ned is still young though, and although he is a quick learner, his impulsive nature and deep instinctive desire to round up other dogs and their owners, not to mention horses and their riders, or tractors come to that, and lately he has had a go at herding trains, make our walks a bit traumatic at times. Luckily Ned is very fond of his ball and Sam is able to use that fact to gain control of him. If he doesn't respond to his name Sam has only to shout the word 'ball' and Ned will run back to her side. Sometimes though Ned's excitement is so intense that not even the ball will take his focus away from storming off to see what havoc he can cause. For it has to be said that even in an extremely large and apparently empty field Ned will always find something that requires his urgent undivided attention.

Holding a conversation with Sam as we stroll along with the two dogs can be, shall I say, interesting? I call it a conversation for want of a better word, but mostly it is just Sam doing the talking. Blimey she can't half rabbit on! Luckily I am a good listener, or at least I am good at looking as though I am listening. A typical 'conversation' during a walk with the dogs is along these sort of lines.

Sam is talking: "so I need to be back home at NED!! three o'clock at the latest OH MY GOD!!  NOOOO!! NED!! Good boy Neddy! What a good boy! Yes three o'clock because Harvey will be home at NED! COME! NEDDY!! Oh for God's sake! Where's he going now? NED!! Did you see which way he went? NED!! NED!! NED!!!! BALL!!! BAAAALLL!!!! Oh here he comes. Naughty Neddy! Why can't you be good like Sadie? BAAALL!! Can you walk that side John? NED!! You keep making me walk HE'S DROPPED THE BLOODY BALL!! through the long grass. Did you see where the ball went? Find your ball Ned. NEEEDD!! Stay here. NOOO NED! OH NO!!
NED  STAY!!! and then it's swim club at four and I promised him BALL!! BALL!! BAAALL!!! BLOODY DOG!! BAAAALLLL!!! a pizza for his tea. Tomorrow I am having lunch with BALL!!! mum and then I really must get on with NED!!! COME!!! doing some housework and also I need NOOO!! NED!! COME HERE!! BAAALLL!!!! to practice some new songs on NOOOO NED!! NOT ON THE PATH!! Oh Gawd! Now I have to carry a NED!! bag of poo all the NOO!! way round. NED BALL!!! new songs on my guitar. NEDDYYY!!!! BAAAALLL!!!!! BAAAAALLLL!!!!!! Do you think my legs look too white? They have never been this white BAAALL!! before in summer. NED STAY!! I wish my legs weren't so NOOO NED!! white. Do you think I should BAAAALLL!! use some fake tan? NED!! NED!! NED!! BAAALLL!!!! It needs to be BALL!! done properly. BAAALLL!!!! BAAAALLLL!!! BAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!"
Ned the Border Collie.
It goes on like this until the end of our walk, and Ned is on his lead again, at which stage Sam will say to me something like: "I enjoyed that John. It's so peaceful out here in the fields. Ned was so good today don't you think? You were a bit quiet though. Is everything all right?"

To which I usually reply, "Yes I'm fine, just got a bit of a headache that's all."


  1. When my daughter is speaking to me on the phone is the precise time she takes on the chore of screaming (at the top of her lungs!) at my beautiful grandchildren. Of course she does not take her end of the phone away so my ear gets the full effect of her screeching. I keep trying to tell her that talking in a more moderate tone will have a better outcome but perhaps I need to scream it to her. Your story today was very funny. Hello to Sam.

  2. LOL, I'm laughing too much to even come up with a suitable comment

  3. LOL!

    I have the same kind of conversation with my daughter and grandson(3 yrs.) when we get together.


  5. Oh John, you have just made me laugh and laugh all the way through this story.
    I've got an idea for you.
    You can compose a book of short stories like these everyday events and have it published. I'm sure it will be a bestseller and make millions.
    That Ned story was freaking hilarious!!!

  6. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I have a pain in my side through laughing. VirginiaC is right, you should publish these er anecdotes.

  7. As I have a young pup myself I can fully relate to that type of conversation. All could be true except I'd be saying.. DJANGO COME BACKKKK! I HAVE TREATS!! instead of NED!

  8. Great story! It's really like having toddlers in the house again. As much as I love to take our dog with us, sometimes I just don't feel up to watching another kid, always watching so they don't get into mischief.

  9. Would have written more here John, but have to get an aspirin for my headache. shall I send one to you as well for future use?

  10. OK, I laughed out loud. This is just the normal sort of conversation with a naughty dog owner. That is, owner of a naughty dog.