Thursday 3 January 2013

Me And Ms Roberts.

Happy New Year everyone! Here's hoping it is a good one for us all.

My main computer, the one I normally write this blog on is up the creek. I am tapping this out on my little IBM thinkpad, and it is a bit fiddly to type on. Not that it really matters because not much has happened since my last blogpost. By the way it is nine minutes past three o'clock in the morning, and I can't get back to sleep. Do you know why? No of course you don't. I shall tell you. It is because I am too hot! Yes, it's January the 4th, mid bleedin' winter and I can't sleep because I am too bleedin' hot! I haven't got the heating on too high either because I don't have any heating. I cannot recall in my lifetime being too hot in winter in England. What is going on? I blame immigration. All those immigrants coming over here and bringing all their hot weather with them! Something should be done about it!

Never mind that though. As I was saying, nothing much of interest has happened in my life so far this year. On January the 1st I took myself off to London for the day. Just for a change of scenery really. I went to the British Museum. Quite an interesting place, but to be honest I didn't take much in because when I was there I got talking to this really attractive woman. You'll never guess who she was. Give up? All right. It was the famous Hollywood film star Julia Roberts! Yeah I know I couldn't believe it myself. Of course I recognised her beautiful smile straightaway. You can probably guess what happened next? Yep, that's right she invited me to spend the night with her. She was staying at the Savoy hotel and was a bit lonely. She kept on about how attractive she found me. To tell you the truth I was tempted, I mean what bloke wouldn't be? Well maybe Elton John wouldn't! But as I said to the lovely Julia, "Sorry darling," I said, " but I have to get home to shut the hens in for the night." She took it quite well and even gave me her phone number in case I changed my mind, but I couldn't have done it. I mean who would let the hens out in the morning if I was getting up to naughty shenanigans with the lovely Julia Roberts international film star, all night?

You made all that up didn't you John?

OK maybe some of it. It wasn't the British Museum it was the Natural History Museum. But it's true about the hens! There are a lot of foxes about and you can't take chances where livestock are concerned.

On January 2nd a most remarkable thing happened. I was busking in the local town square. Actually I say busking but it is a bit more refined than that because I am an extremely talented singer and guitarist and the term busking does not do justice to my entertaining skills. I only use the word for expediency. I only use the word expediency to show you how very clever I am with my use of the English language. Anyway, I digress. Digress! There I go again.

So I'm singing and playing my guitar, and doing a bit of dancing -I'm an all round entertainer. Did a bit of juggling too- I say juggling, what I was actually doing was juggling two chainsaws, a hedge trimmer and a lawnmower, but never mind all that, what happened was: this bloke came up to me, introduced himself as a theatrical agent and offered me a million pound recording contract! It was Simon Cowell! Him off the tele. I couldn't believe it! I turned him down. "Sorry Simon," I said to him, "No can do, I'm meeting Julia Roberts this afternoon, and I have to go home first and crate up my hens, 'cos I'm taking them with me." I think he understood because he gave me his phone number and begged me to give him a call as soon as possible. The poor bloke was almost in tears. But what could I do? I mean come on! It's Julia Roberts I'm meeting!

Yesterday January the 3rd, I went shopping in the supermarket with the lovely Julia, she needed toothpaste. She gets through a lot of toothpaste, those teeth, that smile! You will never guess what happened? I had no sooner walked through the door when there was a helluva noise, a band strikes up, and lights flashing. It turns out that I am their ten millionth customer! How amazing is that? I got a years supply of cat and dog food and as much personal grooming stuff and condoms as I could cram into a trolley in five minutes. I was so pleased. Particularly as I had made a new years resolution to do everything possible to make myself even more attractive to women this year. I love impossible challenges.

It is now twenty seven minutes past four in the morning. I really must get some shuteye so that I am full of energy for the day ahead. You just never know what the day might bring. "Go back to sleep Julia. You really are insatiable, and don't forget it's your turn to let the hens out in the morning."





15 comments:

  1. You sure are bringing in the New Year right, aren't you? Lucky you...go to bed now.

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  2. Eat your heart out Hugh Grant! What a lucky woman Julia is! Happy New Year, John!

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  3. Your year is off to a good start. Will it get better?

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  4. Go back to bed and dream some more.

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  5. Loved the post as always. I needed a good belly laugh, haven't had one in a while. (wink wink)

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  6. That's it... I'm moving. Nothing exciting happens around here so I'm moving to where you live... where it all happens. Did someone mention Hugh Grant.... just asking. Happy New Year, John.

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  7. I was missing you for the few days that you had not posted, but boy oh boy, this was worth the wait!
    What a wonderful beginning to the new year for you.
    John, you sure do know how to make me LAUGH OUT LOUD.
    Take care.

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  8. I really need to actually complete that James Bond correspondence course the next time I sign up for it. Did you know that it has a section on how to keep foxes from getting to your hens at night? Sigh.

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  9. Oh.....Bullocks!

    Sandra maybe? :-/

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  10. Someone gave you the litre sized bottle of whisky for Christmas,didn't they.
    Jane x

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  11. You sure are starting the year off on a high note. Going to be tough to keep up the good fortune for another 360 days.

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  12. And a very Happy New Year to you, John, and the lovely Ms. Roberts too assuming she is still in the picture or was it a dream?

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  13. Oh John I am pretty sure you ARE asleep you are not on the computer and Miss Julie and Simon are only part of a dream. Yup nice dream. Wake up John it is almost morning:) B

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  14. I don't know what busking is but it sounds rather naughty.

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  15. I think you have been channeling Notting Hill. Happy New Year.

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