Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Man Flu. The Worst Case Ever Undocumented.

The last couple of days have been really horrible. Sniff. I have had the worst case of man flu to ever not be documented. Cough, splutter.
Today I feel a little bit better, but please, that is not an excuse for you to not feel very sorry for me. There might yet be a relapse. Also don't forget that I have been suffering, and I don't use the word suffering lightly, or very often, I have been suffering, suffering I say, from extreme head spinning. Sniff, cough. Not literally of course. That would be fatal. Achoo! Excuse me.
I've had to cancel my appointment with the head jerking, dizziness removing, physiotherapist. It's just one thing after another. Sniff. So I'll have to keep spinning away until the man flu has gone.
If you were to combine just a few of my symptoms, sniff, including, the running nose, the sneezing, the coughing, the excruciatingly painful sore throat, the current headache, the iron band squeezing my skull, cough, the popping in my ears causing recurrent deafness, - although strangely enough I can still hear the popping - the loss of appetite, excuse me, while I blow my nose, the tendency towards extreme grumpiness, and the hot one minute, cold the next fever, you would realise that this is not just a common or garden head cold, as some unfeeling people have suggested. You would also realise what a martyr I am being, sniff, cough, splutter, in calling by here to write this blog post.
Mind you, those are just some of my symptoms. There are others which I have tried to look up on the internet. Without success. It would seem that I am a bit of a medical phenomenon.

Some people have suggested that it is a miracle I am still alive. Some have suggested that I re-write my will, and leave my body to medical science. Although quick to add, that any monies I may have left to them. Achoo! Excuse me. Should not be interfered with, unless to increase it. They have got some hope. There is no way that I will be wasting the back of another envelope.
It is at times like this that I begin to wonder if living alone is a good thing or not. Sniff. There is no one here to answer my call for a hot whisky toddy. Splutter, cough. Or to bring me a cold flannel to ease my aching head. Cough. No one here to tell me what a brave boy I am being. Not that the last one is really necessary, I already know how brave I am. Sniff. But you know what I mean, we all need someone with us when we feel poorly. If only to pass on whatever it is we have got.
This man flu has even caused me to have a double chin!
Not that I would want anyone to have this what I have. Which is bad, very bad, as you may have gathered. Sniff, cough. Not that I am the kind of person to make a fuss about things. Cough. Even though it is terrible. Sniff.

Just leave me! Go! Let me do my suffering in silence, and let me tell you I don't use the word suffering lightly, or very often. Cough.
No! I'm sorry. Don't go. Please. I didn't mean to be nasty. It's the illness. It makes me grumpy. Are you still there? I need a hug. Splutter, sniff, cough, sob!

I just had a thought. Cough. Suppose it's swine flu. My last post was about pigs. Can you contract swine flu just by writing about pigs?  What if some enormous coincidence has taken place? I'm going to check out the symptoms. Sniff.
I couldn't get through on the swine flu helpline, all I got was crackling!
Anyway, enough about my problems. Cough. How are you? I hope you are well. Sniff. I just thought I'd drop by and cheer you up. Cough. In case you were feeling a bit down. Mind you, I expect you were fine before you read this. Splutter.
Did I mention my bad back? Achoo! Please excuse me.


  1. Oh you poor,poor miserable little thing. Bless you! Here is a soft blanket and a hot toddy. Sip it slowly, don't gulp. There, now, do you feel better? Need a cool cloth on your feverish brow? Certainly. Here it is with a nice cup of tea (whiskey included). You feel dizzy? Just close your eyes and rest your head. That's better. Bless you again. Here is a fresh tissue for your nose. Okay, just take a spoonful of this onion syrup for your cough. It works almost instantly. And here is a nice camphor rub for your chest. It must be sore. Poor baby.
    Was that good enough? I sympathize with the way you feel. You get so sick you are afraid you are going to die. Then it gets worse and you are afraid you won't die. I do hope you feel better soon.

  2. I forgot to mention that your photo is especially fetching. Even while you are ill, you are a fine figure of a man.

  3. What's up? Got a cold? Hope you recover soon.

  4. John, already you have all the female readers offering you sympathy and remedies, but no male comments. Hope you are feeling better and that whatever you have is not spread through blog post reading!

  5. John, I see that Emma is taking very good care of your poor pitiful sick self. All I can offer is a cyberspace Hug! Hope you recover soon.:)

  6. Fellow sufferer here. I know what you're going through. Just came back from the USA and now I've got the flu. The dreaded lurgi as it's called here. Hope we're both still alive this time next week. Cheers!

  7. I've been married for 28 years. Yours is the mildest case I've EVER SEEN !!!!
    Jane x

  8. Top marks for moaning. Your species are very good at it. I have one of my own moaning with a cold and now I've got it on the screen. All get better soon so we don't have to put up with moaning for much longer.

  9. I think I'll cover the computer screen- don't want any electronic germs to jump on me when you sneeze. Hope you feel better soon.

  10. You need the coughing, aching, sneezing, stuffy head, fever so you can rest medicine. Man strength of course.
    Hope you are feeling better soon.

  11. Oh... I have done that before, the tissue in the nose thing. Write what you feel man, don't worry about us, we'll be there in sickness and in health.

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