I am just back home from Open Mic with Sedge and Jon. I was brilliant tonight. I have got such a beautiful singing voice, and my guitar playing? Wow!
My goodness I have been blessed with an almighty talent! They are of course very lucky to have me at these events. Not only do I guarantee a very large female audience, but I have noticed men watching me absolutely awestruck at the way I wield my axe. That's what us rockers call our electric guitars by the way. Axes.
When I say a large female audience I am not of course referring to the size of the women. That would just be plain bad manners. Although one or two are what is euphemistically termed 'cuddly'. Cuddly is a phrase I learnt from the days when I joined a dating agency. It rarely actually means cuddly. Unless the person doing the cuddling has extremely long arms!
Incidentally it wasn't my idea to join a dating agency. I was asked if I would join. They wanted to use a photo of me in their advertising. Apparently the number of women wanting to sign up when they saw my photo went through the roof. Naturally I donated my modelling fee to charity.
What surprises me a lot, mystifies me actually is that I haven't been noticed by any show business impresarios. I don't understand it. I know how good I am. As I might have mentioned I am extremely talented. It might well be that if they sign me up it would put a lot of their other artistes out of work. Yes I think that must be it. I knew there had to be a simple explanation.
My talent is obviously a gift. I think that means it comes from God. He gave me a bad start in life, but as recompense he gave me a beautiful singing voice, charismatic personality, extreme good looks, fantastic musical ability, made me irresistible to women, and to cap it all blessed me with extreme modesty. It isn't until I look at 'ordinary' men that I realise just how lucky I am.
Anyway I must go now. I need my beauty sleep. Just a turn of phrase, I don't really. Gosh, do you know what? I find it so difficult to talk about myself!