Thursday, 18 August 2011

Oatbran Every Day. You Won't Live Longer But It Will Seem Like It.

I am republishing this post because it disappeared completely first time around. Apart from that things seem back to normal. Thank you for all your comments on the experimental post yesterday. Sorry some of you don't like my header photo I will change it soon.

These days a lot of importance is placed on the need to start the day with a healthy, nourishing breakfast. Healthy and nourishing? Do those two words really go together? Well yes they do, and today I am going to let you know why. Because today, I am going to share with you, the secret of what it is that keeps my body at the peak of physical perfection, and imbues me with the complexion of youth, minus the acne of course, and boils. Oh, and all those little spots they get in the middle of their foreheads.
Please follow these step by step instructions in order to gain the maximum benefit from my secret menu, or recipe, whichever it is. Perhaps both. It doesn't matter, I am feeling generous.

First, fetch a cereal bowl from the washing up pile. Rinse if necessary. Add three tablespoons of oatbran to the bowl. I don't actually have a tablespoon so I add four or five dessert spoonfuls instead. If you do not have four or five dessert spoons, don't worry, you can just use the same spoon four or five times. With luck you will find a spoon at the bottom of the washing up bowl, if not, there will be one behind the fridge. Cover oatbran with water. Stop covering when water is half an inch from top of bowl. This depends a lot on size of bowl. If unsure just make it very wet, until some little bits float on top. Place in microwave for two minutes. Or three minutes. This depends on size of microwave. Perhaps to be sure, make it four minutes. When you hear bell ring, or buzzer if you are a rich person, remove bowl from microwave.  After you have soothed your burnt fingers under the cold tap and applied a healing lotion, boil the kettle and add extra hot water to the cereal. This is to get rid of the lumps. Add milk and sugar to taste. You may wish to add salt in place of the sugar if you are Scottish. After eating two or three spoonfuls of this glutinous mess, give the rest to the dog. Let the dog eat it out of your bowl. This saves on washing up.

Put some oil into a frying pan and heat on the hob. When it is very hot add seven or eight cherry tomatoes. Quickly put on protective goggles, These tomatoes really spit in the hot oil. Hold a saucepan lid up to your face to protect from hot splashes. You might want to wear a hat as well, for the same reason. As fast as you can, put two slices of bread into the toaster. Sorry I should have mentioned to do that first. Shake those tomatoes about. But don't worry too much about this, it is good to burn them according to taste. Personally I like mine well done. Add two slices of bacon to the pan with the tomatoes, and fry vigorously. Open kitchen door and run about flapping a towel or newspaper to let smoke out. Get plate from washing up pile. Try to find one which is not too encrusted with a previous meal, and is, if at all possible, mould free. Butter the toast lavishly. Arrange bacon and tomatoes on top. Sprinkle with salt, not too much, remember we are being health conscious here. Add plenty of brown sauce. HP or Daddies sauce is best. You will need a fork. There is one in the shed from when you were mending the punctured tyre.

Finish off your breakfast with strawberries and cream.  Yes I know, it is different. I found these strawberries at half price and they need to be eaten quickly, as they are on the turn. Somewhere in the fridge you will find a half empty, or half full, depending on your point of view, carton of cream. You may need to soften this with hot water, if it has gone hard. Dunk strawberries in the cream and dip into a plate of sugar. You might want to replace the sugar with salt if you are Scottish. Try to stop eating the strawberries before you begin to feel sick. I know this is difficult, but remember we are trying to be healthy.

When eating alone it is perfectly acceptable to use a tabloid newspaper as a table cloth. However, if sharing breakfast with an overnight guest, - well a man can dream, - why not use an upmarket newspaper instead. You can usually find one amongst a more affluent neighbours rubbish.

Remember, when preparing food, always wash your hands afterwards. Now tuck in and enjoy!


  1. You are so virtuous in your dietary habits. Commendable. I do have a suggestion. I just read today that egg whites or even better the membrane from the inside of the shell of a raw egg are good for healing burns. It may help.

  2. sorry your comments have disappeared, that's frustrating. So I'll add one more. I always love your posts, no matter what you're talking about. And I've never had a problem with your header photo's. Maybe I missed one that somebody didn't like. But I love the kitty and vegis. I wish mine were doing that well.

  3. Ha! Either the pictures are staged, or your poetic (prosetic?) license has been exposed. There's no way that fork was left in the shed when you were mending a punctured tyre; that fat handle would do no good at all as a tyre lever.

    Or perhaps your commitment to the blog is even greater than we thought, & you'd used the tines on the fork to actually puncture the tyre in the first place just so you would have one to repair so you could use another, lever-compatible, fork in there for the repair. In which case the blog should read "... there's one in the shed from when you were puncturing a tyre to subsequently repair."

    Which seems a little pointless.

    Just like this comment.

    Miss your words of wisdom John, come back to us soon x