Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Men. Are We Really All Alike?

If I had a pound coin, for every time I have heard a woman utter the pitiable phrase "Men! They're all the same", or variations on that theme, I would probably have loads of money, and very heavy pockets. Carrying all those coins around would, in all likelihood, make holes in my pockets. But that'll be no problem. I happen to know that women are very handy with a needle and thread. What a thing to say! I don't know. Honestly us men, what are we like eh?
So many coins though. I'd be able to invite a woman out for a meal in a posh restaurant, with wine, and stuff. Like those fancy little flat after eight mints, they charge you a fortune for, just because they've got their own little envelope. Oh, and a finger bowl so that we could clean our fingers after the chocolates. Women love all that sort of thing. They love to be cared for like the delicate little flowers they are. Luckily us men always, have total respect, and know how to treat our lady friends. Oops! Shouldn't really be talking like this. Men! What are we like?
After the posh meal, she will no doubt be in a hurry to get you back to her place for "coffee". Yeah right! We know what "coffee" means, don't we guys? We know. Oh no! What am I saying? What am I like? Men!
It's only right though, don't you think? That a chap should get some reward, after treating her to such a romantic evening out, and spending all that money. Personally, I am always ready to allow a lady to cook me a full English breakfast after a night of strenuous, and, though I say it myself, expert love making. Mmm, maybe I shouldn't be saying these things. Men! What are we like?
You probably realise by now that this is all tongue in cheek stuff, and I've only made these stupid sexist remarks in order to illustrate my point. Such point being, that there is no way us men are all the same. To bluntly say we are, in the categoric way that women tend to do, is far too much of a sweeping generalisation.
Take me for example. I am totally unlike other men. For a start, I am extremely humble. I am, naturally, all too aware, that many men have not been blessed with my good looks or my intelligence. Women find me irresistible. I can tell just by the way they look at me. The only reason I haven't had a girlfriend for years, is because I would hate to hurt the feelings of so many of them. Like most men, but obviously not all of them, because we are all different, I am very thoughtful like that.
My ex wife was very wrong to say all those nasty things at the divorce hearing. Obviously her emotional state must have got the better of her. Probably a touch of PMT. As for what my former mother-in-law said. All that nonsense, about how she knew straight off that I'd never amount to anything. Well, the reason I didn't amount to anything, was because I didn't want to disappoint the old bat. I was being thoughtful, you see. A lesser man would have sued. Not me though, I understand women. I'm just not the same as other men. Well not all other men. Some of us do. Some of us don't.
Here's yet another prime example of why I'm not the same as other men. Not all of them anyway. I don't wear shorts in public when the sun comes out. Most men of a certain age look hideous in shorts. Think about it. Khaki shorts, long socks, and sandals. Ugh! There's the beer belly as well. All extremely disrespectful of women. This doesn't apply to me obviously. I'm lucky. In that I still have very attractive legs, and abdominal muscles to make many a younger fellow green with envy.
However, as I say, I'm not exactly like other men. At least not all of them. I do realise that some men are boastful. Not me though. No way would I spout off about how desirable women find me. Even though it is true. I know a lot of men think they're wonderful. I know for a certain fact that I am. I've seen how the opposite sex react to me. The wistful yearning glance. The shy smile, held just that fraction too long. Watching me, through the cunningly placed hand mirror, as more lipstick is hastily applied. Well sorry ladies. Dream on. I'm not that shallow that I would take advantage of my very obvious attributes. Just to have my wicked way. As I say, I am not like 'all' men. Please feel free to send me your phone number though. Just in case you're feeling lucky.
Should I go on? I don't think I need to. My point has been established, if not entirely proven. You womenfolk are probably nodding sagely and thinking to yourselves; he could be right, men are not necessarily all the same.
I expect lots of you will be thinking of setting up discussion groups on this very subject. You girls are good at that.
Not like us men. All we're good for is laying about, watching football and having a laugh with the lads, down the pub. Men eh!

Why is my finger hovering so nervously above the publish button? I can't understand it. I shan't press it. Oh, what the hell! I'll be a man about it.


  1. A very funny post. You sound just like my sons. And they are not completely alike... only in some things. You also sound like my daughter. I guess it is a family thing. But I must get my rest. Baseball is on early tomorrow and I cannot miss the game.

  2. I am pleased and somewhat relieved that you found it funny. I've been a bit worried it might be wrongly construed.
    For some reason the last sentence of your post, caused me to laugh out loud

  3. This post of yours had me laughing. I guess that's why comedians get a lot of their fodder from picking on stereotypes. Another fun post to read, keep them coming.

    p.s. great header photograph too. I can almost smell all that wonderful fresh earth after it's been tilled.

  4. Glad you like the header. I thought the tractor man did a great job. Potato crop in there. In the distance behind the trees is Arundel castle and the south downs.

  5. It is a great header. The post is very tongue in cheek with a little bit of you showing through. "Men are all the same," is a wicked generalisation, but I guess there are some similarities. There also a lot of generalisations made by men about women.

  6. Thanks Diane. What it boils down to is that we are all human beings and we can't be too different.

  7. In the first paragraph when you got to "I happen to know that women are very handy with," I immediately thought "carrying our money for us." The needle and thread bit manages to be even more absurdly sexist, though. Well done, sir.

    Yes, men are not all alike. It's a shame more women don't realize that. Maybe if they did, the lousier men among us would remain single and stop making the rest of us look bad, as the women would realize they can do better. One can hope, anyway.