Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Bank Holiday Monday. Warning: Sex Is Mentioned.

The sun came out yesterday, which took most people by surprise because it was a bank holiday and nice weather doesn't happen on bank holidays. Not in England. It was hot too. This was an added bonus. We don't have hot weather. Not on a bank holiday. Not in England. The nice weather had been forecast, but nobody believed it would happen. That's why it was such a surprise. We don't tend to believe the weather forecast. Not unless it says it is going to be cold and wet. Then we believe it. Because then we know there is a 99% chance of it being true.

Anyway, being as it was a bank holiday I set myself for a long lie in. Never much reason to get up early what with it being a bank holiday Monday and all. So you can imagine my surprise when on awakening I was nearly blinded by the brightness of the day. The sun! The sun is out! Well that changed my plans I can tell you. No way I'm wasting a day like this laying in bed. So I quickly got up and let the air out of my blow up girlfriend. Sorry darling to let you down like this, but look the sun is out. Hey! No need to look so deflated. I tried to let her down gently. Now listen she may be only a blow up doll but I have developed feelings for her. Mainly of exhaustion from blowing her up. I need to get a pump. That way I might still have some energy left for....

Outside it was so hot that I took my shirt off. There wasn't anyone around except Sadie the German Shepherd and she didn't seem to mind. As long as there are no mirrors to unexpectedly catch sight of myself in, I am quite happy with my body. Out of sight out of mind. If I keep still that is. The truth always dawns when I move, and things start to wobble about. It's horrendous! Some people, and I'm one of them, should keep their bodies covered.

I started growing breasts, or man boobs, or lately known as moobs when I was forty five years old. About the same age as I reached puberty according to my wife! My once slender waistline is now hidden under a layer of lard and my flat stomach and backside soon went the same way. Incidentally, my bottom was once so firm and perfect that my mother once described it as, "looking like two eggs in a hankie". At first I tried to stop these things happening, but to be honest, in the end I just gave up the fight and accepted the inevitable.

So where once I was able to attract the ladies by virtue of my looks alone, nowadays I have to resort to wit and charm. I am also blessed that the knowledge of my abilities as a lover go before me. Some things never leave a man. It's a bit like riding a bike. Only a little bit. The movements are different, and I sit down to ride my bike, 'cept when I'm going up hill. OK then, there are similarities.

As I say it was a beautiful bank holiday Monday. Today though it is raining again. This will explain why I'm sitting here writing this nonsense. Apart from the bit about my lovemaking prowess, that isn't nonsense, that is true, and I shall keep on doing my best to prove it!


  1. Nice to see you have hope!
    Jane x

  2. Is it not nice to know that the supple, fit body of your youth is still there? I sometimes wish mine was not hidden quite as deeply but it is still there.

  3. What does a bank holiday and a sunny day have in common?

  4. The surest way to attract readers is to mention sex in your blog post title. This one really had me laughing. Now that I'm getting older I avoid looking in mirrors.

    Note: I said "older", not "old"......

  5. You're all right then, John, you have the wit and charm to attract all the ladies. Hmmm how come you had a sunny bank holiday and I didn't? And today is even worse!

  6. Glad your bank holiday was bright sunny and hot, and that you enjoyed the day.
    Ours started out wet and rainy, but then it cleared up in the afternoon.

  7. A sure way to attract suspect advertising on your blog is to mention SEX in the title, it seems. Now back to investigating what these Thailand girls can do that I can't.

  8. After just posting that, I went back to the ad and there was one that had taken advantage of your mention of the sun was there trying to sell me solar panels. Alas I already have them!

  9. This may be just a tiny bit too much information!