Friday, 24 May 2013

A Momentous Decision Comes To Nothing.

Today, or this afternoon rather I made the momentous decision to publish my book wot I rote, as an Ebook. This decision was based purely on the fact that I could die tomorrow. Not that I'm ill or expecting to be knocked down by a large bus. No nothing like that. Or a small bus even. Or a taxi. Or a car. Nothing like that. No I'm just pointing out that we never know for sure what tomorrow has in store for us. No, what I meant to convey in the second sentence up there. Oh I was going to put an arrow pointing upwards but there isn't one on the keyboard. This symbol ^ doesn't quite do it for me, but I suppose it will have to do. Anyway what I meant to convey by writing that second sentence up there ^ was that I ain't getting any younger.Which is of course stating the bleedin' obvious. Actually it wasn't this afternoon. Not to be pedantic but it was early evening when I made the momentous decision to publish my book as an E book. Sorry about that. It was a bit pedantic after all. A lot pedantic in fact.

My friend Jackie who - oh now Sadie the German Shepherd wants to go out. Excuse me for a moment - Here I am, sorry about that I think she heard a fox. Not Jackie, she didn't hear a fox, I was talking about Sadie, the German Shepherd. Jackie is my friend who proof read my book. Poor Jackie, what a task it was. I am ashamed to admit that my grammar and punctuation required a lot of help. Not only that but she had to ask Bob her husband what some of the words meant! Don't get me wrong, Jackie ain't stupid. She is very literate. It's just that some of the naughtier words and expressions I use in the book were rather alien to her. Anyway she finally completed the job. And really I think she should be grateful to me for increasing her vocabulary!

So I now have a memory stick with my nicely proofread book on it. The problem I now have is, how to get it from the memory stick and onto this computer. Yes I know what you are thinking, and yes I am incredibly thick when it comes to computers.

That is only one of my problems. Another one is formatting. Smashwords the Ebook site I signed up to, have a download thing about how to format a book. So I downloaded it. God knows where to. I can't find it. Trouble is in my download bit there are hundreds of 'useful' files that I have downloaded at one time or another and they all seem to have numbers instead of words to describe them. I ain't ploughing through that lot!
Cover design (maybe) for my book, Elbows Off The Table. (copyright)

The reason I chose Smashwords to publish with, apart from Jackie sending me a link, was because when I clicked on their link it quite clearly stated: You are only minutes away from publishing your book. This dear readers is a blatant lie! I am in fact as things stand at present, no nearer publishing my book than I was when I made the momentous decision to publish earlier this evening.

I need help. I admit it. Or this book ain't going to see the light of day. Such a shame really because it could, listen to me could, will, that's better, become a best seller. There are loads of rude words in it and sex things. Ask Jackie if you don't believe me. She had to lie down with a wet flannel over her head every time she looked at it!

So I am hoping against hope that I don't die tomorrow, because I need time to get this all sorted. -excuse me while I let the dog back in. If anyone would like to offer me some technical support I would be very grateful. Just bear in mind that I don't have any money.

I am staying away from buses for a while. That's for certain. Hopefully!


  1. I know little about the workings of computers either. I actually took computer classes in college but I learned practically nothing. I am however anxious to read your book. I hope Smashwords is available everywhere. I will have to get Ratty to come help me. I hope you find the help you need.

  2. You've taken a step forward just making the decision to publish. I went with Amazon's Kindle which was very easy to do. They upload your document and publish for you. It was really quite easy.

    1. My sister went with Amazon Kindle as well, she managed ok. She could help you with that, but she is out of the country on holiday at the moment.

  3. John, I can offer no help in publishing your book, but I hope that you get it sorted out soon.
    Valerie above has mentioned another great way to move forward with having it published.
    Good luck to you!!

  4. Good idea to avoid contact with buses now that you're going to be famous!

  5. I'm not very good with computers either so can't help out at all, but good luck, I'm sure it'll be a bestseller.

  6. Congrat! You are publishing your book. Love the top photo. Will visit again when ever I can. Happy writing.

  7. Smashwords isn't bad, or too hard. I have a quick and dirty guide that helps a bit