Yesterday when I woke up early I had a real spring in my step. Oh hang on that's just stupid. You can't possibly have a spring in your step when you're still lying in bed. Maybe I ought to have said: I had joy in my heart. Although come to think of it there was definitely a real spring somewhere. Just not in my step!
However when I did finally jump out of bed, well then I was stepping springfully. I had remembered you see -not that I was likely to forget- that I was going out on a date that night, with the lovely Samantha. So naturally I was full of excited anticipation, about which expensive restaurant she would be taking me to and how much she would spend on me. Amongst other things of course.
The reason I had got up so early was to prepare myself for the night ahead. I had an appointment at the local beauty salon, where I was booked in to have a total body wax exfoliation, hair extensions, bleached highlights, and all over spray tan. I wanted to look my absolute best for her you see. I felt it was the least I could do, and would perhaps make up, at least in part, for dragging her through the mud and sludge last week on our regular walk.
So as I say, the day started well, and then, Oh my God! Horror of horrors! My whole world suddenly collapsed. What happened was, I was admiring myself in the mirror, something I never do, well hardly ever, well all right sometimes I do. Mostly by accident though, when I can't avoid it. Like when I'm plucking my eyebrows for example (which incidentally is not something I have to do often, as I am happily blessed with perfectly formed eyebrows) or applying my eyeliner - just a touch of it - I have naturally beautiful eyes.
Where was I? Oh yes that's right my world had just collapsed and I shall tell you why. You won't believe this, but it was something that last happened when I was fourteen. No! Not that! Really your mind! Outrageous!
What happened was, I discovered a spot! On my nose! It wasn't one of those spots with a yellow head. But it was a spot, and it looked like it was going to get bigger too! I was bereft. How could I get rid of it? I could not possibly go on a date with Sam. Not with a gigantic red spot on my nose!
I fell to my knees and prayed to the Almighty to make it disappear, but he must have been having a day off, because nothing happened. I phoned the Samaritans and although the lady was very sympathetic, she said she couldn't help unless I was suicidal. Can you believe it? Me suicidal? As if! There is no way I would deliberately deprive the world of my presence. I almost phoned Samantha and cancelled our date, but the thought of the agony that would cause her, and visualising the unhappiness on her face stopped me from doing that.
The enormous spot was on the right side of my nose, and so I decided to make sure Sam was always on my left side during our date. That way I thought there was a good chance she would not notice it. This plan seemed to work well and I thought I had got away with it, until the moment she leaned in for a goodnight kiss and we embraced. "My goodness John!" she exclaimed, "That is enormous!"
"Yes," I said, "but at least it has stopped you noticing I have a spot on my nose."