Wednesday, 6 June 2012

The World's Rudest Words And Their Correct Application In Common English Usage.

I have nothing to write about. My mind is a blank canvas. Can't think of a thing to say. Lets see what unfolds.

Raining again. My roof is still leaking despite my repair efforts, and it is threatening to spoil my newly painted ceilings. I think I shall have to do some major alterations to cure the problem. I do think at last I have solved why it is happening, and I have a plan in my head as to how I shall mend things. But it has to stop raining for long enough for me to get the work done. One day of dry weather should be long enough, but I also need the roof space to have time to dry out. So a run of nice days would be appreciated.

Of course nice days during half term holidays also means I ought to be out doing portraits and earning money, not messing about on the roof with a design plan that may or may not work.

I went to the DIY store today to work out the cost of materials. As usual I baulked at the prices. I live in the past with regard to how much things cost. Besides which I am generally a make do and mend type of man. But that isn't going to work this time. I have already tried that route.

My boots have suddenly got a split in them, right across both soles. Only discovered this when I set off across the fields with Sadie the German Shepherd today. We turned back. My feet were sodden. I put her in the car and we went to the park instead. She quite likes the park, plenty of doggy smells to enjoy. I enjoy it too. No not the doggy smells! I enjoy the park. I do pick up after her. Using one of the plastic carrier bags I stole from the local shop. To be honest that is all they are fit for. They are no flipping use for carrying shopping. It was while I was carrying these rather large dog droppings around with me, pretending, in case anyone I knew saw me, that I had just been shopping, that I began to wonder why the nations dog turds could not be put to some good use. I never came up with anything, but it does seem a shame to just throw this plentiful natural resource away. Perhaps you dear reader would like to spend a few minutes of your time thinking of some good uses. It doesn't just have to stop at dog turds either, There is of course human.... I'm going to leave the subject there. I'm feeling a bit queasy. Hope you are OK. Oh yes, you are. I can tell with this new widget I'm trialling. Of which more later! I shall have to buy new boots. More money to earn!

Oi Blogger listen to me. The word 'trialling' has two 'l's'. Yes it does. In England it does, and we invented the English language. So there. So you can remove that red squiggly line. Thanks. And all the other words you accuse me of misspelling. Although I am willing to concede that doggy has a 'y' at the end and not 'ie'.

I have been given a golf buggy. I saw it in my friends garage and cadged it off him. It will, with just a little bit of alteration make it easy to take my easel and stools about the place.When I say stools I'm talking about those things to sit on. Thought it best to make that clear. I do not carry my stools around in a stolen plastic carrier bag! Unless I'm on the way to hospital for tests. Even so the hospital didn't approve of the carrier bag I used. Apparently you are supposed to use the little tube supplied, but I found it far too small! It's not a buggy, what am I saying? It's a golf cart that you pull along. A golf buggy is a little electric car, not the same thing at all!

Are you bored with this yet? Please feel free to stop reading. No need to be polite. Just bear in mind though, that I will know who you are if you do stop reading this. I have fitted a newly developed widget that lets me know exactly what you are doing at any given moment. It is in the early stages of development and I have been chosen to trial it. It really is amazing. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! That's better. Really I'm shocked! But don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

I am still blowing the penny whistle. In fact next week I am appearing at The Royal Festival Hall in London, to give a recital and penny whistle masterclass to some of the worlds finest musicians. Sorry, all tickets have sold out. Apparently I have amazed the world, through the good auspices of youtube, with my remarkable abilities. Funny old world isn't it. One just never knows what is around the corner, does one? One? Why have I suddenly started talking like the Queen? One doesn't normally, does one? One must have been watching too much Diamond Jubilee stuff.

Well I have to admit my mind is still a complete blank. Still can't think of anything to talk about. Oh hold on! There was something. Oh yes that's it. How on earth could I forget that? Blast! It's gone. Never mind there is always tomorrow.

I do apologise for the title of this post. An attention grabbing headline though, I'm sure you will agree. One has to resort to this kind of subterfuge when one cannot think of a thing to say to ones readers.


  1. If your new gadget is working correctly, it should be telling you that I have been on your blog for over an hour and am still trying to squeeze out a comment from my dusty brain cell!

    Sorry your roof is still leaking after your attempts to repair it. Hope your plan works! Sorry I can't help you with your dog turd dilemma, my specialty is cat shit and kitty litter!

  2. How strange that you should ask for ideas to use dog turds. I think someone who lives near me thinks I have already found a use for them. They often leave me quite a large gift of them just outside my gate in the early hours of the morning. I am sure they are just trying to be kind and I have no wish to offend but I really dont want to accept their generous gift. Maybe I should return their kind gift, under cover of darkness so as not to embarrass them ?

    By the way, Bitumen is a naturally-occurring organic byproduct of decomposed organic materials. Maybe Sadies offerings could be used to fix your leaky roof.

  3. lost me at Hello. :)

  4. A collection of animal waste could be burned and used for heat. The warm air could be channeled under roads and sidewalks to keep ice and snow from them in the winter. It would be piped into homes for inexpensive heat. If burned properly there should be little problem with smell. Think about it.

  5. The most entertaining nothing I have read for a while! I'm glad you clarified on your stools!

  6. LOL....Excellent post as usual.
    Made me laugh, how do you come up with this wonderful drivel??

  7. Am I imagining things, or has the font gotten larger? I was sure I imagined it the last time.

    It would be nice if dog turds could be used as some sort of fuel source. Maybe it could power a car that runs on the chemical byproducts of bacterial cultures, or something like that. Personally, I'd have more use for a hypothetical car that runs on, say, sarcasm and righteous anger. That's just me, of course.

    I will say you definitely have a talent for coming up with post titles that demand attention. I should probably try to do the same. Starting every post with the word Just amuses me, but I'm sure I'm the only one.

  8. Well, we used to put horse manure on our gardens....just saying.

  9. Sorry to hear about your leaking roof & generally dire weather. I am actually reading your blog whilst wearing my bikini. Temperatures here will soon go up to 37 degrees, (99 f.) Thought you might like to know that !

  10. I’m sorry to hear your sad story. I guess that your roof is okay by now. A damaged roof can be quite frustrating for it can attract pests when there’s too much moisture inside our house. It can also allow mold to thrive which is actually dangerous to our health when we breathe. By the way, make sure that your roof and gutters are well maintained.
    - Lino Kosters

    1. You’re absolutely right! We had molds and insects when our roof was damaged by the heavy rains. We had a hard time in dealing with the leaks that just poured into our house and damaged our furnishings. Well, I’m glad that our new roofers did their very best in our new roof and I’m glad that it’s still functioning properly even after two years. :)

      -Kemberly Loyd-