Thursday, 7 June 2012

Two Eggs In A Hankie!

Today I am going to be writing in a more serious vein. It seems to me that I have been losing the plot recently in some of my posts. Time I think to regain some of my former gravitas. I would hate you to desert me for not taking things seriously.

As I was limping along today, Sadie the German Shepherd at my side, my thoughts turned to Paul's blog glossaryking.blogspot.com. I was limping because of the pain in my big toe, right foot. Have I mentioned my toe before? Oh the pain! You would not believe! I'm a martyr to it. An absolute martyr.

Anyway, Paul's blog. He was talking today about running. A subject that was once close to my heart. I used to run everywhere once upon a time. Absolutely loved it. There is such a freedom in it. Even my magnificent writing skills are not equal to the job of describing how it feels. Suffice to say, that as I ran, I would transcend all cares, and my fit strong legs carried me forward to a higher plain. I would attempt as I ran, to minimise the amount of contact my feet had with the ground. I was in effect trying to fly. It sounds weird I know, but sometimes I am sure I attained a state of weightlessness. I certainly went into a trance like state. Almost hallucinatory I suppose.

Although that could have been due to the herbal substances I always used to smoke before I set off on a run! I'm joking! I know it is very dangerous to smoke and run. If you happen to fall whilst smoking a pipe, you could so easily damage your teeth! I disapprove of smoking, but to be honest I cannot think of any other way of enjoying a spliff! I'm joking! Obviously you could use a pipe. Or a bong! Or one of those strange hubba bubba pipes, or whatever it's called. Not whilst running though. Please don't try that!

Oh dear, I did so want this to be a serious article about running. I don't know why I keep going off on a tandem. Sorry, not tandem I mean tangent! Obviously if you go off on a tandem, that is a whole different sport. Although you would have the benefit of the person at the back being able to hold your smoking paraphenalia. Or better still fit a basket on the front. With a basket of course you would be able to smoke your hubba bubba pipe, or whatever it's called, at the same time.

Now then, were was I? Oh yes, running. Of course in those days I was small and slightly built. Not all over, I hasten too add. My wife never married me for my money! In fact when I married at age 29 I weighed just about nine and a half stone. Married life soon caused me to increase to about ten and a half stone but I could still run. I never obtained my current grossly obese state of eleven and a half stone until I reached about 50. I still have dreams of getting fit again, but biscuits and cakes always get in the way of this ambition.

I tried walking really fast as a way too get my fitness back. You know that funny walking that Olympic athletes do. What you do is, you kind of wriggle your clenched buttocks, and take long straight legged strides. You need to wear very short shorts too. This is so that the event judges can see if you cheat by bending at the knees.

Anyway as I say I did try this sport for a few months. I got quite fit too. Eventually though I gave it up. To be perfectly frank with you, I got sick and tired of all the so called jokes people shouted at me as I walked. Things like: "Oi mate. Nice arse!" Also I was attracting attention from the wrong type of people. Men actually. Wolf whistles! Some of them even had the audacity to run alongside me, asking for my phone number! So disheartening. But to be expected I suppose. Especially for someone with my looks, and I have to say, I am blessed with beautifully tight buttocks! Always have been. I remember one ardent female admirer describing my bottom as looking like 'two eggs in a hankie'. Which was nice of her to say. All right a confession here. It wasn't an ardent female admirer who said that. It was my Mother. But she did have a very good eye for such things!

Yes, I used to really enjoy running. But those days are gone. It's my toe you know. Big toe, right foot. So painful. I'm a martyr to it. An absolute martyr! Did I mention that?

That's it for today then. So glad I managed to keep it together for a change. I knew I would though. I can be serious, and running is a serious matter!

10 comments:

  1. Love your teapot painting, the light is great. Is it gout? You can get something for it. I'm sure Sadie loves yo limping along beside her with 2 eggs in a handkerchief.

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  2. A good read. I'm no good at running at the moment and don't really have a sore toe to blame. Although did have really sore legs for a number of months resulting in a weekly date with my torture master (aka my physio). Need to try and get back into it. I did do a half marathon beach walk a little while ago and about halfway the novelty wore off. That's my friend you see, she told me it would be a nice scenic walk all along the beach...

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  3. John, no good at running myself, and no sore toe to blame.

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  4. I have dabbled a bit with running in my day. Probably not up to the same athletic heights you reached but I'm aspiring to reach them one day. I'll try and take your advice and move my misery to somewhere else. A pity I can't take up your offer and come and share my misery with you. THe tight buttocks hve put me off my stride a little. Enjoyed your post and look forward to our rematch on my return!

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  5. I really prefer nice ripe melons to eggs in a hankie but to each their own (said the lady as she kissed her cow). With all your rambling I wonder that you get anything finished.

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  6. Hey John you crack me up but something that cracked me up more was your advertisement. It seems Google keeps right up on things. This morning I was researching the price of battery powered electric fence to keep in our cows and low and behold tonight that is exactly what I was looking at at the bottom of your post. I am so happy they are keeping me informed. Thanks John LOL. B

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  7. Hahaha didn't know you are so attractive that both male and female got interested too. You still look good now, I can only judge by your face as I didn't get to see the overall of you on your blog heh heh heh. have a nice day to you.

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  8. 3rd attempt later... what is Blogger playing at?. I had to wait to use my iPad to leave a comment and now can't remember what I wanted to say. Something about running.... Oh well I can't say much about that since I don't run ANYWHERE!

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  9. Never did get into the running thing but certainly did the power walking thing. Loved it and your post as inspired me to get off my arse and do it again. Thanks. Love the post.

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  10. I don't like running. I avoid it at all costs. I prefer walking but not the power walking, a person could hurt themselves doing that.

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