Two Eggs In A Hankie!

Today I am going to be writing in a more serious vein. It seems to me that I have been losing the plot recently in some of my posts. Time I think to regain some of my former gravitas. I would hate you to desert me for not taking things seriously.

As I was limping along today, Sadie the German Shepherd at my side, my thoughts turned to Paul's blog glossaryking.blogspot.com. I was limping because of the pain in my big toe, right foot. Have I mentioned my toe before? Oh the pain! You would not believe! I'm a martyr to it. An absolute martyr.

Anyway, Paul's blog. He was talking today about running. A subject that was once close to my heart. I used to run everywhere once upon a time. Absolutely loved it. There is such a freedom in it. Even my magnificent writing skills are not equal to the job of describing how it feels. Suffice to say, that as I ran, I would transcend all cares, and my fit strong legs carried me forward to a higher plain. I would attempt as I ran, to minimise the amount of contact my feet had with the ground. I was in effect trying to fly. It sounds weird I know, but sometimes I am sure I attained a state of weightlessness. I certainly went into a trance like state. Almost hallucinatory I suppose.

Although that could have been due to the herbal substances I always used to smoke before I set off on a run! I'm joking! I know it is very dangerous to smoke and run. If you happen to fall whilst smoking a pipe, you could so easily damage your teeth! I disapprove of smoking, but to be honest I cannot think of any other way of enjoying a spliff! I'm joking! Obviously you could use a pipe. Or a bong! Or one of those strange hubba bubba pipes, or whatever it's called. Not whilst running though. Please don't try that!

Oh dear, I did so want this to be a serious article about running. I don't know why I keep going off on a tandem. Sorry, not tandem I mean tangent! Obviously if you go off on a tandem, that is a whole different sport. Although you would have the benefit of the person at the back being able to hold your smoking paraphenalia. Or better still fit a basket on the front. With a basket of course you would be able to smoke your hubba bubba pipe, or whatever it's called, at the same time.

Now then, were was I? Oh yes, running. Of course in those days I was small and slightly built. Not all over, I hasten too add. My wife never married me for my money! In fact when I married at age 29 I weighed just about nine and a half stone. Married life soon caused me to increase to about ten and a half stone but I could still run. I never obtained my current grossly obese state of eleven and a half stone until I reached about 50. I still have dreams of getting fit again, but biscuits and cakes always get in the way of this ambition.

I tried walking really fast as a way too get my fitness back. You know that funny walking that Olympic athletes do. What you do is, you kind of wriggle your clenched buttocks, and take long straight legged strides. You need to wear very short shorts too. This is so that the event judges can see if you cheat by bending at the knees.

Anyway as I say I did try this sport for a few months. I got quite fit too. Eventually though I gave it up. To be perfectly frank with you, I got sick and tired of all the so called jokes people shouted at me as I walked. Things like: "Oi mate. Nice arse!" Also I was attracting attention from the wrong type of people. Men actually. Wolf whistles! Some of them even had the audacity to run alongside me, asking for my phone number! So disheartening. But to be expected I suppose. Especially for someone with my looks, and I have to say, I am blessed with beautifully tight buttocks! Always have been. I remember one ardent female admirer describing my bottom as looking like 'two eggs in a hankie'. Which was nice of her to say. All right a confession here. It wasn't an ardent female admirer who said that. It was my Mother. But she did have a very good eye for such things!

Yes, I used to really enjoy running. But those days are gone. It's my toe you know. Big toe, right foot. So painful. I'm a martyr to it. An absolute martyr! Did I mention that?

That's it for today then. So glad I managed to keep it together for a change. I knew I would though. I can be serious, and running is a serious matter!