Tuesday, 5 June 2012

The True Value Of A Rusty Bucket!

That was exhausting! The Jubilee celebrations I mean. I was only watching on TV. Goodness only knows how Madge feels. I mean, blimey, she is 86 years old! She is a tough old bird, no doubt about that.

Poor old thing, she had to do a lot of it without Phil by her side too. He has got a bladder infection. He probably got it having to keep his legs crossed on that royal barge sail past. Most barges only have a rusty bucket as a toilet, and I can't imagine the royals using that. Well actually I can imagine it, but prefer not to. Peeing over the side like a proper sailor wasn't an option either, what with all those people watching. Anyway I do hope Phil gets better soon.
This is not, as far as I know, the actual bucket from the royal barge. I have merely added it as an aid to imagination. I always assume old rusty buckets to be a bit more battered and bent.

He missed out on the Jubilee concert too. At least that spared him the sight of Grace Jones, with that ridiculous hula hoop act. I have no idea what she was singing. I was too interested in whether she'd pass out through lack of breath or drop the hoop! Who is she anyway?

Robbie Williams was there too. Shouting, sorry singing, about how he wanted to let us be entertained by him. Take it easy Robbie for God's sake. I thought you were going to have a heart attack!

Will.I.Am was there with Jessie J. All I know about those two is they are, or were, judges on the X factor, or was it Britains got talent. One of those talent contests. They were judges!! How? Neither of them appeared to have any singing talent.

Annie Lennox, who at one time was one of my favourite singers, was a disaster. Just because you are singing a song about angels doesn't mean you have to wear a giant pair of wings! I can't believe that was your idea Annie. You looked like a broken shuttlecock!

Sir Cliff Richard. How old is he now? Must be about the same age as the queen surely. I'm afraid he is well past his best. Don't they ever retire these ageing rockers? Oh well, who am I to talk. But seriously Cliff old chap. Surely you are a wee bit too old for prancing around in a pink suit. You looked more like Dame Cliff. Must be about time to admit the truth.

What has got one hundred legs and no teeth? The front row at a Cliff Richard show!

Sir Paul McCartney has had so many facelifts it sounds like his testicles are stuck in his larynx! He uses the same hair dye as Cliff, and lots of it by the look of things.

Talking of facelifts, Tom Jones was there too. He was fantastic! I forgive him his facelifts. At least he can still sing.

I am not going to mention Elton John. No I'm Not. This concert was for a real Queen!

Stevie Wonder: Unfortunately I missed his performance, as I was being sick into a rusty bucket, after watching Elton John. But I just know Stevie was brilliant!

A young singer guitarist, Ed Sheeran: Excellent!

The bands, the choirs: Great!

Yes some of it was wonderful, but a lot of it wasn't.

Oh all right then. I suppose I have to admit it: Elton John was fantastic! A great performance. Best of the night. If you saw it, you'll know I'd be lying to say otherwise. AAARRGGHH!

Of course the Queen has, just like me, heard and seen some world class acts over the years, but it seems that most of those she and I have known over the last 60 years have gone now. Will the great days of real showbusiness ever come back? I very much doubt it.

By the way I asked Tricia what she thought of the performances. She was not too complimentary about most of them. I asked who she would have liked to have seen there instead. Elvis Presley, The Everly Brothers, and surprisingly, Nick Drake, were her main choices.

Anyway as I was saying I'm exhausted just watching it all unfold. I tell you what. I'm not going to bother watching the next diamond jubilee. Not unless Tom Jones is the headline act!

Get well soon Prince Philip. Next time it might be a good idea to put aside your pride, and use that rusty bucket!

All opinions expressed in this article are mine, and mine alone. Except for those that are not. Thank you. God save the Queen.


  1. Renee Fleming and Tom Jones were great..the rest should have been in the rusty bucket.
    Jane x

  2. I did not see it, but we're recording 20/20 tonight and will see some of it. I always love Elton, he's a classy dame. Thanks for letting me know which acts I should throw the bucket at.

    Are you a stand up comedian during open mike night? No? Well you should be.

    1. forgot to say that I love your new header painting, very nice.

  3. At first I thought you were being negative just for the sake of being negative. As I read further I realized that you were simply giving a critique. Good job. I got a kick out of your teeny tiny disclaimer.

  4. Sounds like the old rockers should be in their rocking chairs.

  5. My sentiments exactly. Tom Jones stole the show and most of the rest was perfectly awful.
    The Queen though was wonderful and on the whole I really enjoyed the celebrations.
    Great post

  6. The oldies were there as part of the past... say no more, Valerie. Tom Jones could have stayed home in my opinion (sorry, folks)as should THE VOICE judges, Will and Jessica, and Paul, and Grace, and a few others. But generally speaking I enjoyed the concert. Cliff is wearing better than Paul - he's in his seventies, by the way. I love the Queen even more now... didn't she look marvellous?

  7. Now I wish I saw it just so I could see :-) Sounds like it would have been painful to watch :-)

  8. A great giggle from your post. You didn't mention that Lizzy had ear plugs in at the concert.

  9. What was that smack on the bum bit that Cliff did at the end of his act? Clicking his hip back in to place, perhaps. I had a similar conversation about most of them needing to retire after I watched it too.

  10. Sorry John, but I have to admit that I didn't watch any of it! Your informative post was all I needed to know that I didn't miss anything as far as entertainment. For some reason, live performances never turn out very good.

    I just wish I had known sooner that Tom JOnes was going to be performing... OHHH YEAH ♥♥♥, now he would be worth watching!

    1. Whew, got so worked up thinking about Tom that I forgot to say I like your new header, great work!

  11. Ouch! What a music critic! Forget the commentary... how were the songs? hahaha

  12. Got to disagree with you just a little. Alfie Boe stole the show. If you didnt see him the clip is on youtube he did "O Sole Meo" then "Its Now or Never". The word that comes to mind is Phwoar !!!! Hot stuff is Alfie. Oops, must go and take my blood pressure tablets.

    1. Sorry I forgot to mention him Eileen. Yes he was very good. Tricia said he was good too. I obviously don't see him in the same way as women do. Hope you have recovered now.