Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Warning! Do Not Read. Depression Alert.

It is twenty minutes past five in the morning. I only went to bed at one o'clock and I have lain awake for an hour reflecting on my life thus far. So only three hours sleep and yet I am wide awake. All this without the help of the 'Wing Commander' my handsome golden cockerel, who has only now begun to crow his welcome to the new day. A day which is emerging lethargically, rather than the bright pleasantness we have grown used to in the first few weeks of this early Spring. It is grey outside. A grey to suit my mood this morning.

Very occasionally I am crushed by an overbearing weight of sadness at the way my life has transpired. This morning I feel it strongly. I have been thinking of family mostly. My mother. A Dad I never got to meet. Three brothers and a sister. None of whom I really got to know terribly well. They are gone now. My brother Victor and my sister Marian, both a lot older than me, I knew a little. I loved them both and had the privilege to tell them this. Even so, we could hardly be described as close. Alistair, just a year older than me, was a half brother I never got to meet. He died young, still a boy. Brian is, or was, another half brother. He disappeared as soon as he was old enough to survive on his own. I often wonder about him.

Many years ago I had some kind of a nervous breakdown. The Doctors gave me pills, and I would every week or so, go and talk to a psychologist. My wife told me later that I spent most of the next three months in bed, refusing to see any visitors.

I ended this period of depression suddenly one day, when in a period of lucidity I came to my senses, and decided to take back control of my life. The pills were flushed down the toilet. I never took one again. Whether the medication or the psycho analysis helped I cannot say with any certainty. Perhaps it did. But I like to think my well honed survival instinct kicked in, and I healed myself. Nonetheless for that, I got better quickly and life became 'normal' again.

What this breakdown did I think was to take a great load off me. Introspection took a back seat. Lots of bad memories loosened their grip, and sank into the background of my mind. I stopped feeling so sorry for myself. Stopped being so needy. Most importantly I was able to brush the chips off of my shoulders. Take stock of how lucky I was compared to the sad plight of so many others around the world.

These days I do not allow unhappiness to reign free over my emotions, but as I say, it does occasionally rear it's ugly head. This morning it has crept up on me. Held me for an hour or so, but now I will shake it away.
Sadie, the German Shepherd and I, shall go for an early morning walk.
"Come on Sadie, where's your lead? Find it girl! Find it!"


  1. Nothing better than a walk with a faithful german shepherd. She should help you get back to positive thoughts and shake off the collywobbles. depression is an awful illness. I hope you stay free of it. At this age we should just be happy to wake up every morning and if you can walk too, that's a bonus.

  2. Stop moaning you miserable old git x (Love you really) x

  3. We are all allowed the miseries....but not too often. Good on you!
    Jane x

  4. Being a naturally optimistic person, I can sympathize but not really understand. Someone very close to me has bouts of depression and panic. It has been very difficult for me to help this person. I am glad you are able to shake it off after a period of time. I have a theory that body chemistry takes feelings that a person has and sometimes tosses those feelings every which way. I hope you and Sadie had a nice outing.

  5. I really relate to your bout with depression. After suffering for a few years I finally learned that my sadness was caused by my giving power to my negitive and worrisome thoughts.
    Nature also has helped in my healing.

  6. I understand completely. I think any time I'm depressed my thoughts turn toward the past. Sometimes good and sometimes bad, but they're always quiet and reflective.

  7. I am having the same kind of day myself. Depression has always been a part of my life but like yourself, one day I just shook it off. But there are days that we are together again--
    Hope you are feeling better today.

  8. We must have had the same kind of night. Went to sleep at eleven, woke up at 1.30 a.m., tried to get off to sleep, didn't work, decided to read to try and get drowsy but stayed awake the whole night so now I feel like a wet lettuce. I have had bouts of insomnia since childhood. Sad thoughts tend to creep in during the wee hours, hence a good book. Hope your walk with Sadie did you the world of good. I've found that a change of scenery does it for me. I agree with Jean because being out in nature gives me a powerful lift, but sometimes I need to be shot out of the house with a cannon to get out in it. Great visual, always makes me smile. Feel better soon :)