It is twenty minutes past five in the morning. I only went to bed at one o'clock and I have lain awake for an hour reflecting on my life thus far. So only three hours sleep and yet I am wide awake. All this without the help of the 'Wing Commander' my handsome golden cockerel, who has only now begun to crow his welcome to the new day. A day which is emerging lethargically, rather than the bright pleasantness we have grown used to in the first few weeks of this early Spring. It is grey outside. A grey to suit my mood this morning.
Very occasionally I am crushed by an overbearing weight of sadness at the way my life has transpired. This morning I feel it strongly. I have been thinking of family mostly. My mother. A Dad I never got to meet. Three brothers and a sister. None of whom I really got to know terribly well. They are gone now. My brother Victor and my sister Marian, both a lot older than me, I knew a little. I loved them both and had the privilege to tell them this. Even so, we could hardly be described as close. Alistair, just a year older than me, was a half brother I never got to meet. He died young, still a boy. Brian is, or was, another half brother. He disappeared as soon as he was old enough to survive on his own. I often wonder about him.
Many years ago I had some kind of a nervous breakdown. The Doctors gave me pills, and I would every week or so, go and talk to a psychologist. My wife told me later that I spent most of the next three months in bed, refusing to see any visitors.
I ended this period of depression suddenly one day, when in a period of lucidity I came to my senses, and decided to take back control of my life. The pills were flushed down the toilet. I never took one again. Whether the medication or the psycho analysis helped I cannot say with any certainty. Perhaps it did. But I like to think my well honed survival instinct kicked in, and I healed myself. Nonetheless for that, I got better quickly and life became 'normal' again.
What this breakdown did I think was to take a great load off me. Introspection took a back seat. Lots of bad memories loosened their grip, and sank into the background of my mind. I stopped feeling so sorry for myself. Stopped being so needy. Most importantly I was able to brush the chips off of my shoulders. Take stock of how lucky I was compared to the sad plight of so many others around the world.
These days I do not allow unhappiness to reign free over my emotions, but as I say, it does occasionally rear it's ugly head. This morning it has crept up on me. Held me for an hour or so, but now I will shake it away.
Sadie, the German Shepherd and I, shall go for an early morning walk.
"Come on Sadie, where's your lead? Find it girl! Find it!"