Saturday, 29 October 2016

The Absolutely True Adventures Of Fishy Fishface. Chapter Two.

Chapter two.

You are going to find this next bit extremely difficult to believe, but it is the truth I tell you.

At the exact precise moment Mrs Snotdrip flushed the hapless Fishy Fishface down the toilet the haplessness disappeared and Fishy Fishface had the most incredible stroke of luck any goldfish has ever had in all the time that goldfishes have been bred for the lucrative pet fish market. Note I say fish market with two words and not the one word fishmarket. I should admit here that I don’t know for certain if fishmarket is one word. However, I believe a fishmarket is a place where dead fish are sold in their thousands and well, let us not go there today.

Now then, at the almost precise moment exactly that Mrs Snotdrip flushed Fishy Fishface down the toilet it happened that quite by chance in the house next door, her neighbour Mr Ivan Underpants in a last-ditch effort to dispatch a large recalcitrant floater which had already resisted several flush attempts, decanted a copious amount of water from the largest bucket he owned – and it was a very large bucket indeed – down his own toilet bowl. This superabundant extra flow of relatively clean water - relatively clean in that it had recently passed over the recalcitrant floater which incidentally had also defied this latest effort from Mr Underpants – saved Fishy Fishface’s life. Well, that and incredibly another amazing happenstance.

Can you believe it? A few minutes before the almost precise exact moment that Mrs Snotdrip flushed her toilet in the rather grandly named cloakroom and Mr Ivan Underpants decanted the large bucket of water down his toilet bowl, it just so happened that several miles away a sudden rain storm of tropical intensity had caused the river to almost but not quite burst its banks.

It is at this stage of proceedings that I am pleased to introduce you to Misters Albert Flunkbum and Cecil Bigbotty. These two gentlemen - I use the term loosely – are employed by the water authority to monitor the river closely at times of increased rainfall. Hence why they were on duty this very day. And, oh my word, thank heavens they were. Not only were they able to save the river bank from catastrophic damage but in doing so added to Fishy Fishface’s chances of survival. It happened like this:

Cecil Bigbotty is speaking on his walkie-talkie radio. “Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Bigbotty to Flunkbum.  Come in please. Bigbotty to Flunkbum are you receiving me? Over”

Back came the answer. “Flunkbum here Bigbotty. Receiving you loud and clear, Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Hello Albert, Cecil here. Over.”

“Yes I know it’s you. You just called me. Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. The river is about to flood. What shall I do? Over.”

“Open the flood gate barrier thingy immediately. Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Over.”

“What? Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. I am opening the flood gate barrier thingy now. Over.”

“Good. Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Over.”

“What? Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. The handle is stuck. Over.”

“Hit it with a hammer. Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Where is the hammer? Over.”

“In the van probably. Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. I am just getting the hammer out of the van. Over.”

“You don’t have to tell me that. Just get it and hit the bloody handle with it for heaven’s sake. Over.

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. There is no need for bad language Albert. Over.”

“Just get on with it. Hit it. Hurry before it floods. And stop saying Bigbotty to Flunkbum every time. It’s getting on my nerves. Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Over.”

“What the hell is it now? Over”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. I expect an apology from you for using bad words and you said hell too. Over.”

“All right. I am sorry. Now just get on with it for heaven’s sake man.”
“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Over.”

“What now?”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. You forgot to say over. Over.”

“For crying out loud! Over. Happy now? Have you opened the floodgate yet? Over.”

“Bigbotty to Flunkbum. Yes, the extra water should be with you any second. Make sure you are not standing in its way. Over.”

“What was that? Over”

But unfortunately, Albert didn’t get the chance to hear the last message again because as he was putting on his hi-vis health and safety jacket the zip got stuck halfway up and in a rare moment of inattention as he tried to free it he was swept off his feet and disappeared, tumbling over and over, struggling to keep his head above the swift torrent, down the storm drain. The very storm drain that Fishy Fishface also at that almost precisely exact moment found himself in. An incredible turn of events. You couldn’t make it up.


  1. Cool. A cliffhanger, or should I say deluge hanger? Waiting fo the net installment.

  2. LOL I can't take all this worry. Over!