Thursday, 15 August 2013

Jeremy Kyle And Me. Just Another Day.

My mind is a bit of a blank today so I thought what I'd do is tell you about a typical day in my life. Quite boring I think but better than sitting here wondering what to write about. OK here goes:

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do, like any dutiful husband, is make love to my beautiful woman. Twice if she's lucky. Then she makes my breakfast. Usually a bacon sandwich and a nice cup of tea, which she brings me in bed. It used to be a bacon and egg sandwich, but she just could not fry the egg the way I like it. I suppose I should get up and eat at the breakfast table, but luckily she is a thoughtful woman and realises that making love in the morning is very strenuous and that I need to recover my strength for the long day ahead.

While I eat a leisurely breakfast, my beautiful woman gets the children ready for school. We have ten beautiful children....We have twelve children.... Thirteen.... We have a lot of children. It is difficult to keep up with the exact number but I love them dearly. The majority of them are boys I think.

When the children have all gone to school  I sometimes think about getting out of bed, but the thought swiftly passes and I have a relaxing nap for about twenty minutes. After this my beautiful woman wakes me up. If at this time I feel well rested, her and I will have a bit of quality time if you know what I mean. Not too long though, because she still has to get to the shop for my beer and cigarettes and I don't want her to be late for work. Cleaning jobs are hard to come by these days and we need the money. Luckily the shop is just a few minutes from our house.

One of my other favourite pastimes, when I am not making love to my beautiful woman, is watching daytime television. Luckily I have a TV in the bedroom and consequently I can spend many happy hours lying in bed watching it. This is an absolute godsend to me due to the fragile nature of my back. Incidentally, the cause of my bad back is a complete mystery.

It is a very expensive 48 inch screen TV, but we can just about afford the payments if my beautiful woman works a night shift in a nearby factory twice a week. I must point out that the TV although it could possibly be called a luxury item is my only comfort in life. I consider myself a good husband because I have no vices. Apart that is from smoking and drinking. And scratchcards. By the way the scratchcards cost nothing because I buy them from my job seekers allowance!

The Jeremy Kyle show is my favourite daytime viewing. You would not believe the kind of ne'er do wells that come on his show. Sometimes I really cannot believe my eyes and ears at the way some of the men behave towards their women. Luckily Jeremy Kyle is a very wise man and realises that shouting rude insults, and jabbing his finger in a threatening manner at these people, is the only way to bring them to their senses. I am quite certain that as a direct result of his intervention a lot of these, not to mince words here, stupid people, suddenly become intelligent and change their lives for the better. Bless you Jeremy Kyle for all you do to help these unfortunates. You do this out of the kindness of your heart with no thought of reward. The world needs more perfect people like you in it. You are a saint.

When the children get home from school I take myself down to the local pub so as not to get under my beautiful woman's feet as she prepares the evening meal for us all. I think she really appreciates my thoughtfulness. I try to stay in the pub until all the dear little children are asleep. Also I find that several games of pool and copious drinks of vodka tends to help ease the excruciating pain in my back.

When I get home my beautiful woman brings me my dinner on a tray and I eat it in bed, before I retire for the night. Of course I do not even think about sleeping, not until I have finished writing my blog and, like a dutiful husband, have made love to my beautiful woman.

So there you have it dear readers. A day in the life of me. Busy, busy, busy! I do hope that, despite the intense sympathetic feelings you now have for me, you have enjoyed reading it. God bless you for your understanding.


  1. My back is a little sore too. I think it may be in part due to the heavy load of... "stuff" you give us to carry at times. I have watched Jeremy Kyle before. What a sanctimonious little blowhard he is. He assumes, postures, and bullies. It is just not the type of thing I enjoy seeing. Not to mention him chasing some deluded individual down the street each day with cameras and sound equipment at the ready. Anyway I do hope your back will feel better after all the strain it undergoes each and every day. I am not sure even a saint could endure what you must endure.

  2. Daytime television...what's that? The rest I

  3. John, I hate to say it but I do not entirely believe this. The reason is that I really do not think your wife could support your family in quite this style on mere cleaning and factory wages. I don't like to say it but - well, could she be earning her money some other way?

    Good luck for your forthcoming appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show!

  4. Hey, you lazy good for nothing bum, you can get your own breakfast from now on. I've got myself a new toyboy, and quite frankly he is a lot more impressive than you in the trouser department. You can look after the kids, cause I'm off to Vegas with Elvis, and I might not come back. Toodle pip.

  5. A day in the life of John.....well what do you's nothing like what I thought.
    John you do make me smile and laugh and gaffaw all at he same're insane!
    I am not a fan of Jeremy Kyle, but Graham Norton I like.