Wednesday, 7 January 2015

The Female Orgasm. A Learned Paper.

It is not generally known that the female orgasm was first discovered on the morning of 17th of April 1961, when a certain Mrs Gladys Smith of 11, Acacia Road, Tunbridge Wells, Kent  whilst wearing a pair of loose French knickers - brought for her as a 42nd birthday gift by her husband Cedric - accidentally got the gusset caught on the door latch of her recently purchased Hotpoint spin dryer.
Unable to contain her excitement at this momentous discovery Gladys told her sister Maud – a well-known local gossip – and soon the whole world knew. Needless to say, sales of Hotpoint spin dryers went through the roof.

However, it wasn’t long before men began to fight back at this outrageous assault on their manhood. One determined man even went so far as to throw himself in front of the Queen’s horse at Ascot race course. Sadly he was killed. The man that is, not the horse.

Gladys’s  marriage soon fell apart and she walked out of the marital home claiming that her husband and the Hotpoint spin dryer had both become unbalanced and therefore unable to fulfil her womanly requirements.

Hotpoint then designed, with Gladys Smith’s expert help,  a miniature handbag sized battery operated spin dryer. Despite government attempts to ban this vibrating monstrosity, it quickly caught on and spawned many similar implements. The writing, sadly was on the wall and men, already useless in most areas of life became sexually redundant too.

It was at this stage that the emancipation of women really took hold and they began to do outrageous things such as demanding the right to wear sensible knickers,  driving cars and going into pubs and drinking. Some women, unbelievably,  began to go out to work without their husband's permission!

Luckily for many men, in 1973 homosexuality was made legal, and so at least some were able to get their jollies, as I believe it was known.

The plastic vibrator industry went into decline in the the late eighties and  this led to women briefly turning to men again for their sexual pleasure, although sadly they now preferred younger men who they were able to bend to their lascivious will. These young men became known as toy boys. An apt description as they were soon discarded like unwanted toys when the plastic vibrator industry made a resurgence by inventing the notoriously reliable rampant rabbit.

Mr Cedric Smith is currently gainfully employed in the battery industry.

Mrs Gladys Smith moved to America and died during an earthquake of 7.5 magnitudes. Her last words were reputed to be, “the earth moved for me.”


  1. I wondered long about how we came to this state. Thank you for the history lesson.

  2. Absolutely delightful! As a man well into my 60s, I look back upon the frustrations of the past --the 1960s-- when I began to suspect the female libido was a myth, yet my own erogenous zone extended several miles beyond my actual body. Happily, things are settling down now as I complete puberty and life is much calmer.