Friday, 7 February 2014

Wet And Completely Fracked Off With It All.

It has rained every day for eight weeks. Maybe this is the end of the world. Maybe it's going to rain until we are all swept away and drowned. Maybe it is going to keep raining until the earth is so heavy and waterlogged that it will fall out of the space it occupies in the universe and disappear into a black hole.

The solution to the problems we are having with floods is to build our houses on the top of hills. Mind you there would be no way off the hill except by boat, because all around would be flooded.

The solution to the problem we are having with floods would be to live on boats. We could build houses on them and call them houseboats.

Or balloons. We could live in houses suspended from balloons. They would have to be enormous balloons though, and permanently filled with gas. Those flying balloons that you have to keep turning the gas on and off, would be too time consuming.

If we all decided to live on the top of a hill the question arises; will there be enough hills to go round? I think not, and even if there were, they are likely to be in mostly remote places. A further question also arises; who gets to be at the very top of the hill?

If we did all live on boats how would we mark the boundary of our property? There would have to be a boundary, we can't all just go floating around bumping into each other. That would be chaos.

Oh wow! Wow! Wowsers! I just had the most fantastic idea. The solution to the flooding. It's brilliant! I think I must be a genius to come up with this. Listen this is it. You know all that fracking that is going on? You know. Where they drill holes deep into the earth to extract gas. Yes? Are you with me? Yes? Well I propose that we let them frack as much as they want. The more holes drilled the better, and then, and this is the fantastic idea bit, we let all the flood water pour down the holes! No more floods and as a bonus no empty voids left in the earth, which is what has been the main concern with fracking for gas.

Come on. You have to admit, this is a brilliant idea. We have to do something soon or we are doomed. I suggest we all get fracked!


  1. I think your brain is waterlogged! I hear you, though. We've had snow almost that many days in a row. Guess what it's doing right now.

  2. Brilliant is what you are. The houseboat thing is interesting but I see a major concern. Where would you walk Mia?

  3. Hey I'm with you, let's get tracked. Hope the rain ends soon. We just went 18 days without sunshine and now we are getting snow dumped on us. Ready for winter to be over.

  4. What a fracking idea John!!!
    I would love to live on a house boat since I love sailing....I would mark my boundary with a series of

  5. It should be amusing to see swans swim down the High Street, but somehow I can't see the funny side. I'm sorry about your floods, John. I'm lucky, I live on a hill. In any case, for some reason the floods are elsewhere in the Midlands. I'm grateful for that.