She said, the nurse that is, when I had my blood test, she said that if they had any concerns about the results they would phone me in a couple of days. I didn't give it a moments thought. Well you don't do you? Everything is always all right isn't it? So I was a bit taken by surprise when there was a message left a couple of days later asking me to phone the surgery.
I did phone them back, I spoke to the receptionist. She said the doctor wants me to have an ECG. I think that's what they call it. They wire you up to a machine and it tests your heart.but there isn't an appointment available until next Thursday! After I have had the test then the doctor will see me. Well that didn't seem quite right to me so I said I'd like to see the doctor before the test. You know, because I'm curious about what her concerns are. I'm seeing her, the doctor that is, on Monday. In the meantime I have had a nice few days pretending that I'm not worried, and still have the weekend to pretend a bit more.
Me worried? No of course not. I mean what can they tell from a blood test? However I have now managed to convince myself that I could possibly drop dead from a heart attack at any moment. I know this is a psychological thing, but today I started to feel unwell. With the same symptoms that caused me to visit the doctor in the first place! How weird is that?
One of the main things that is occupying my mind right now is that I am in one of my periods of doubting the existence of God. I have been having these doubts quite a lot lately, and they upset me. They upset me because I do think that faith is important. Of course it doesn't have to be a religious faith, although that is what most people have. It could be a faith in anything. Like nature for instance. Or a football team. Or a group of close friends. Does that sound blasphemous? I don't mean it too.
What I'm trying to say in my long winded way, is that I don't want to die just at this time of no faith. I mean suppose there is a place called heaven and I miss out on my chance to get there because I am in the process of questioning the existence of God? Not that it is a forgone conclusion I would be going there anyway, but just in case there is. I could end up in hell I suppose, but to be honest that prospect doesn't bother me at all. Perhaps I have it in mind that if there is no God then why would there be a devil? After all they are supposed to be the two opposing forces in religious matters.
I console myself during these Doubting Thomas moments by remembering that I do believe in Jesus Christ. His existence has been proved to my satisfaction. But was he the son of God? How can I possibly think that? After all I don't believe in God right now.
So I am left with these conclusions. I am going to drop dead. There will be no call to heaven. I shall simply turn to dust and return to nature.
Or on the more positive side of things: There is nothing wrong with my heart. The doctor is just making an excuse to see me, because she actually fancies the pants off me!
Have a lovely weekend