I did phone them back, I spoke to the receptionist. She said the doctor wants me to have an ECG. I think that's what they call it. They wire you up to a machine and it tests your heart.but there isn't an appointment available until next Thursday! After I have had the test then the doctor will see me. Well that didn't seem quite right to me so I said I'd like to see the doctor before the test. You know, because I'm curious about what her concerns are. I'm seeing her, the doctor that is, on Monday. In the meantime I have had a nice few days pretending that I'm not worried, and still have the weekend to pretend a bit more.
Me worried? No of course not. I mean what can they tell from a blood test? However I have now managed to convince myself that I could possibly drop dead from a heart attack at any moment. I know this is a psychological thing, but today I started to feel unwell. With the same symptoms that caused me to visit the doctor in the first place! How weird is that?
One of the main things that is occupying my mind right now is that I am in one of my periods of doubting the existence of God. I have been having these doubts quite a lot lately, and they upset me. They upset me because I do think that faith is important. Of course it doesn't have to be a religious faith, although that is what most people have. It could be a faith in anything. Like nature for instance. Or a football team. Or a group of close friends. Does that sound blasphemous? I don't mean it too.
What I'm trying to say in my long winded way, is that I don't want to die just at this time of no faith. I mean suppose there is a place called heaven and I miss out on my chance to get there because I am in the process of questioning the existence of God? Not that it is a forgone conclusion I would be going there anyway, but just in case there is. I could end up in hell I suppose, but to be honest that prospect doesn't bother me at all. Perhaps I have it in mind that if there is no God then why would there be a devil? After all they are supposed to be the two opposing forces in religious matters.
I console myself during these Doubting Thomas moments by remembering that I do believe in Jesus Christ. His existence has been proved to my satisfaction. But was he the son of God? How can I possibly think that? After all I don't believe in God right now.
So I am left with these conclusions. I am going to drop dead. There will be no call to heaven. I shall simply turn to dust and return to nature.
Or on the more positive side of things: There is nothing wrong with my heart. The doctor is just making an excuse to see me, because she actually fancies the pants off me!
Have a lovely weekend
Speaking as someone whose baby brother (15 years younger) just had a heart attack (he is fine)I can assure you that if there was a problem of any urgency you would have been called to come in immediately or sooner.Of course I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV but I am guessing that they want to check for blood flow. At our age our arteries tend to become coated with gunk and the blood flow can be compromised. As for God I too am a doubter. My logic is this: If God is our "Father" he would love us unconditionally. Therefore there would be no one sent to Hell because we would be automatically forgiven. Therefore Hell does not exist. All of the religions say that if we are sinful we will go to Hell. If there is no Hell they are wrong about the whole thing. So Heaven also does not exist. If there is no Heaven God has no home. So unless he is homeless God does not exist. So I understand your quandary because I am also nearing my older years and I know I will not be in this world forever. Sucks, doesn't it? Please keep us posted about your ECG. It is a relatively quick and easy procedure so you should have some answers right away. I'll be keeping good thoughts for you.
ReplyDeleteYour doc just wants a more complete idea of your innards. ECG will tell her if there's any fibrillating going on. Whatever symptoms you mentioned got her curious as to cause. ECGs tickle, so brace yourself, and don't be surprised if she orders a treadmill test too. One lives through them. Quit worrying, you're in good hands.
ReplyDeletePlease don't spend your weekend worrying. After a "certain age", doctors recommend ECG's just to give them some indication as to how well your heart is operating under different stress levels.
ReplyDeleteFaith is something that wanders and meanders sometimes. When we are faced with harsh realities, we have the tendency to doubt, but if we stand our ground, we find that our faith is restored and we can move on with our lives.
You'll be fine, stop worrying.
The Bearded Wonder went doctors recently, not because he was feeling sick in any way but he was due for his annual overhaul. The doctor found a heart murmur and she referred him to a heart specialist for a echo test. After the test the doctor was quite concerned and said he wanted to see him ASAP but couldn't get an appointment for 5 weeks. He has NOT mentioned anything that might put the bearded wonder's mind at rest so now he faces 5 weeks of worrying. I have advised him against consulting doctor Google. Doctors = worry = not good for your health.
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ReplyDeleteEmma is right, John. If something was drastically wrong you would have known immediately if not sooner.
ReplyDeleteHubs and I have both been recalled to surgery, giving umpteen samples of blood and urine in the process. In our case it's kidneys, his because of diabetes, mine because I'm deteriorating. I'm waiting to hear what the specialists advises although why the specialist couldn't be approached before doc called me in is a mystery. It might have saved the heartache of waiting and not knowing. Don't think I like this anno domini.
Valerie I have just read your reply and I like you spend a lot of time at the doctors annd this got me round to thinking I see you are an optimist ad I was wondering. I am that sort of chap you see.. If you can let some one know sooner than immediately do we actually need to go and see the doctor if they could diagnose stuff before doing the tests it would save an awful lot of people having to visit the surgery and loads of money for the NHS... Just a thought ................ Lol HAVE A GOOD DAY XXX
DeleteStop worrying, if its your heart and there is anything wrong its easy these days to put it right.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'm very cynical these days about doctors
The more tests doctors run in their own offices, the more they get paid for, whether or not a patient really needs them. Since we patients are rarely paying directly for them, and since we don't really understand why we need them, we don't question them. We just comply.
On the God subject, I gave up on religion in that sense in the 70's when my Father had an awful ending, I just knew then that there was no God.
I now put my belief in Nature, you can't doubt that can you.
I know you'll be okay, keep us all updated.
Hugs
Briony
xxx
Keep us posted.
ReplyDeleteGood evening John ~ Well it's evening here in s.e. FL, USA. I came here via Paul's blog, Seasons Full Circle.
ReplyDeleteI hope all is well with your health.
I am a believer in Jesus, who I believe was God in the flesh as the Bible says. My husband and I were both raised in church, but left organized religion soon after we were married. We did not stop believing in God however, we in fact became stronger in our beliefs.
My husband and I were married 43 years when he left this planet to be with his maker 09 Dec 2012. I miss him terribly, but I believe he is with God and he is perfectly whole. We will be reunited one day.
Doubts are part and parcel of life as a human. Be of good courage and hope in the Lord. Seek Him and you will find Him. He will never leave or forsake you, in fact He will draw you closer to Him. He is our strength when we are weak.
You are in my thoughts and prayers that God will fill you with His love and peace at this time in your life.
Sincerely ~ FlowerLady
First, I think I'd go with the "she actually fancies the pants off me!" way of thinking. :) Too, cute by the way.
ReplyDeleteAs for your doubts about God. I am not really sure what to say. I have such a simple faith in God, I've had it since childhood. It's been tested so many times, but at the end of the day, deep within I know He is there. I've seen His hand too many times in my life to know otherwise.
When my Mama died (and suffered so horribly months before then) I was mad at Him...really, really mad. I know now how immature that was, but at the time, it just made no sense to take the one person out of my life that meant the entire world to me....of course now I realize that with all the pain she was feeling it was merciful to let her pass.
I also believe there are things we can not see or know. We see through a glass darkly, we do not see the big picture.
Ok, what am I trying to say. I think God is big enough to take our questionings and our doubts.
Look at it this way, too....if you believe and you are wrong and there is no God, then what have you loss? But if you don't believe in God and then there really was a God, then you have loss everything.
I think it's also about perspective. I know our lives move and flow as a river. Who we are today, is not who we were in school as children. If you look back on your life, I am sure you will see the hand of God in your life. Sometimes it's subtle,sometimes not.
Ok, I'll shut up now. :)
Sending prayers your way and wishing you a most lovely day.
Hope everything turns out alright. Maybe due to your age she gives you an ECG check just for the record, like having your blood and urine test. Don't worry too much. Maybe a bit of singing will help you forget these worries.
ReplyDeletehope you are all right I just read the post and seeing as you have not let us know the out come now my mind is working overtime.
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