Thursday, 2 August 2012

Exactly The Same Purpose Is Achieved.

A long time ago, when I was a young man, I went to a really classy gentleman's club in London. I had just done a bank job so I was in the money at the time.

The only thing I can remember about the place, apart from all the women fawning over me, was that the toilets were amazing. All mirrors and marble and gold taps, that sort of thing. There was an attendant in a liveried frockcoat, and after I had washed my hands he handed me a fresh towel to dry my hands. Then he asked me if I would like a hot towel. I didn't know what he meant at first, but then I saw another bloke sitting with a towel around his face, so I cottoned on.

"Oh yah," I said, putting on my poshest voice,"That would be absolutely spiffing old bean."

After the hot towel, which was very nice by the way, he dusted me down with a clothes brush and sprayed me with some perfume, which I thought was a bit of a liberty. What with me being a proper tough guy. But as it was a gentlemen's club I held my counsel, and said nothing. I did give him a right look though I can tell you.

Then he held his hand out. I thought he wanted to shake my hand to apologise for the perfume, so I shook his hand, and thought I would leave it at that. But he wouldn't give up. He held his hand out again.

"Look sunshine," I said, "I accept your apology, let's leave it at that shall we?"

"Ahem Sir," he said, still holding his hand out, "Begging Sirs pardon," he went on, "but it is normal procedure to offer a gratuity at this point."

"A gratty who itty?" I said, "A gratty... Oh a tip, you want a tip. Why didn't you say so?"

I handed him a ten bob note. He looked at it proper grumpy, and kept his hand out, so I took it back and gave him a one pound note. He still kept his hand out, so I took it back and gave him a five pound note. He seemed happy with that. So he should be too. In those days five pounds was a weeks wages for a working man.

Five quid for a hot towel and a spray of perfume. I made a solemn vow to myself after that. Avoid gentlemen's clubs at all costs, even if you have just robbed a bank!

I'll tell you what, that was the most expensive pee I have ever had. I reckon he saw me coming, and he did me up like a bleeding kipper!

 The reason I relate this little anecdote is because I have been sorting out the gents toilet facilities for the party night. It's slightly different to that posh place in London, but I think it will serve the purpose just the same. I will not be providing hot towels.

Do not be concerned ladies, a proper loo is available for you.  


  1. You've gone to a lot of trouble for the Gents. A target pinned to a tree would have probably sufficed. Nice that you provide sanitiser and hilarious that you deem it necessary to specify HAND sanitiser.

    I do like to visit a nice 'posh' loo, the ones in Harrods were always favorite when I used to visit London.

    You may have realised, I didnt win the lottery on Wednesday. I didnt check my ticket until just now as I was enjoying thinking about all the things I would do if I won. I have a couple of cans in so I will drink to your health on Saturday night and wish you many happy returns.

  2. Sound planning. Good pissoir, accessible from one direction only. One suggestion: don't post signs where gents must look up.

  3. What is wrong with the back of a tree? It works that way in Canada? You are such a gent that ladies have proper know how to smooth talk!
    Jane x

  4. I hope its not a cold night.

  5. You are really thinking of everything, aren't you? There had better be a huge turn-out.

  6. My brother has similar facilities on his property.
    Although he doesn't have signs and directions are merely 3rd tree on the left

  7. You do make me laugh. I loved this post.

  8. I used to like being pampered when I visited an upmarket ladies loo. I shall be tuning in tomorrow night so save me a glass of something so I can toast the birthday boy. Have a wonderful time.

  9. Hi John,
    I have just found your blog via MeanQueen's blog.
    I have laughed till I cried over this are freaking hilarious!!
    NIce to meet you.