Monday, 26 September 2011

Sadie The German Shepherd. Loyalty, Secrets, And Downright Lies.

"Come on Sadie," he said, sounding worryingly enthusiastic, "We are going to walk very fast today, I want to get rid of this excess weight I seem to be carrying around," and he sets off at such a fast rate of knots that for once I am the one trailing behind. He looks ridiculous walking along, trying to keep his stomach pulled in, and his buttocks clenched. Mincing, is the best way to describe the walk. He would not look out of place at a Gay Pride march. I slink along behind him, hoping against hope that none of the neighbours see us. Oh no!
"Good morning Mrs Campbell," he calls to her, "Can't stop. On a bit of a mission today."
I dare not look round to see what Mrs Campbell is doing, but my acute hearing, picks up what sounds like a high pitched snigger.
He calls it power walking, I call it spoiling a good walk. I'm the kind of dog that likes to take my time on a walk, sniff out where my canine friends have been. Make sure that there are no upstarts trying to take over my territory.
He has no regard at all for these important things once he has got a bee in his bonnet. Not that he wears a bonnet you understand. That's just a figure of speech.
Mind you, sometimes he wears a woolly hat with a bobble on top. Which looks like a bonnet. Whichever, his woolly hat really does him no favours whatsoever. To be honest he looks stupid wearing it, and I pretend I'm not with him when he does. Luckily though, he only wears it in the colder months of the year. Other times he wears his trilby hat, which he thinks makes him look like Frank Sinatra. I worry about his delusions sometimes.
Happily for me, the power walking only lasted for a couple of hundred yards, before he was almost completely exhausted, and complaining about his aches and pains, or to use his exact words, "the huh excruciating huh pains in my huh legs and huh bum."
After a few minutes sit down on the grass verge, he was recovered enough to continue the walk at a more comfortable pace.
This is me having a jolly good laugh at John's antics.
Personally, I blame the whole sorry rigmorale on the mirror he bought last week at the car boot sale. It's one of those full length ones, and as it was only a couple of quid to buy, he couldn't resist it. He has wanted his own full length mirror, ever since he was a boy. Apparently he was always extremely ambitious.
He could hardly get it home fast enough. It was on the bedroom wall within minutes, and he spent a happy hour or so admiring himself in it. I think I am correct in saying that he was very happy with the image he was seeing.
I could hear him talking quietly to himself, "Oh yes John, you've still got it," and, "Hallo you handsome beast," and, "Watch out ladies, I'm looking good," that sort of thing.
The problems began the next morning when he got out of bed. His first thought was to admire himself in his new mirror. This was a big mistake. The thing is you see, he sleeps naked. What the mirror revealed was not a pretty sight. He's been kidding himself for years that he still has the physique he had in his twenties. The full length mirror bluntly, and without mercy, informed him that he is actually, dare I say it, a bit of a lard arse.
Oh, dear me, it was funny, watching him standing there, trying to pull his stomach in, and twisting himself around in an effort to see his backside in a more favourable light, actually attempting some buttock clenching. Hilarious for me to watch in a grotesque kind of way.
"Bloody mirror," I heard him say angrily, "Cheap foreign bloody glass. It's distorted, that's what's wrong. Bloody distorted."
He has put the mirror in the shed now, glass side to the wall. I don't think he could withstand the shock of confronting his true self again.
Fortunately I think he has given up the idea of power walking for good. He has a new idea on what to do about his fat. He is going to cover it all up with a pair of pyjamas, and avoid full length mirrors at all costs.
Personally, I think he should also cut down on burgers. But that is never going to happen.

                           Bye for now, and lots of love from Sadie.
                           (His loyal, (well almost) German Shepherd)

P.S. Please don't tell him I told you about all this. I prefer him in his deluded state.

7 comments:

  1. Sadie- you are very patient. You need to understand that humans look very bad naked. They have no fur to cover anything! (except guys get furry faces sometimes- I think you've noticed this). You can probably get John to slow down on walks again, but I doubt that he'll start sniffing the bushes with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have to agree with Sharkbytes.:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hmmm Deluded, huh? You reckon? Well, Sadie, if anyone knows the truth it's you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh poor dear Sadie. The things you have to endure. It is truly a wonder that you have stayed so loyal to John for so long. You must be a remarkable soul. Obviously he needs you so I hope you find strength to carry on.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sadie I know exactly how you feel. I too am often embarrassed by the actions of my mom while we are out and about. I try to humor her most times but it's not easy.
    I've heard her say that there seems to be a problem with all the mirrors in our house. She says the reflections are all wrong. Maybe the mirror manufacturers are doing something wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well, just keep getting him out there on walks Sadie, and maybe he'll learn to love his mirror again. But please don't let him put it in the bedroom anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a jolly good post. Sadie is a wise soul.:)

    ReplyDelete