Monday, 5 February 2018

A Life (Not) Well Lived.

Do you ever find yourself in a kind of mental turmoil? That's me at the moment. I can't seem to concentrate on one thing at a time. My thought processes jumping around all over the place. Never stopping to think anything through before the next thought interrupts. It is making me unhappy. Not that anyone would know there was anything wrong because I still maintain my (normal) "hail fellow well met" persona.

I suspect it is the legal process regarding my childhood that I am involved in that is causing this problem. I have been allocated a lawyer by the survivors association and my case is being prepared.

I wish that it would all just go away. No I don't.

I think, hey, I survived whats the problem?
I think, no, I didn't survive.
I think, if I had never been in that place I would have been a different person than the young man who went off the rails.
I think, if I had never been sent to that particular foster home?
I think, I would never have had a criminal record.
I think I would have been able to maintain a loving relationship.
I think lots of what ifs?

But then, maybe I am just who I am supposed to be and none of it really hurt me at all? It just is what it is. I mean, when you think about what some kids have been through. Are still going through today. When you think about war and famine in the world. I mean, what is my problem?

I lived, live a life of ups and downs but don't we all?

Why should I be compensated for it? I know why. No I don't.
Yes, lots of turmoil in my head. What's it all about?
I know.
I don't know.

I want to write more about this. No, I don't.

My mind is like my habitat, cluttered. Needs a good tidy. Tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow. Or not?

Tricia, just sent me a text. There is lots of hot water. Would I like a bath? Haha. How apt. But yes, I think I would. Hot water? Some of you know what a luxury that is for me, considering my alternative lifestyle.

Good night.


  1. Things are sent to try everyone, I think you have had more than most. Hopefully it will give you closure, and you find peace.

  2. Maybe you should try meditation, ohmmmmmmmm.

  3. Okay. You seem to be of at least two minds about this. You had a horrendous childhood. Your adult life has been profoundly affected by that childhood. You have had happy times. Then the bad times come and you think maybe you are not entitled to the happy times. You are, you know. For your own personal reasons you deserve to have this taken care of to give you some peace. Then there are all the other children past, present, and future. You can do little about the past except to support those who also survived by joining the fight. Let them know they are worthy too. Present children who are in similar circumstances may profit from you shining a light on the atrocities they are trying to live through. Children of the future may not have to suffer from these monsters any more. Wouldn't you be proud to be a part of that? Go get them with your head high. Show them that they did not win. Put a smile on some little faces that you will help. You know I'm proud of you. Now make you proud of you.

  4. John, you got through and came out on the right side. Congratulations. What you are going through now is natural... so they tell me! Forgetfulness is something I'm having to work through but I happily try to ignore an unhappy past. I write reminder notes which go some way to relieving the mind.

  5. Enjoy the hot water and try to let the past slip away.