Leisure? This Is In Tents.

JB’s Vauxhall Astra update. Number 28a (not sure).

Well, blow me down wiv a fevver! Turns out the leisure battery my son-in law Lee er… Nigel gave me last week was a dud. Never held a charge. Useless! It turns out it wasn’t even a leisure battery. He let me down badly. Built me up and knocked me down. I am seriously considering whether he is the right man to be married to my daughter. I expected better. His real name is Lee. There I have said it. Serves him right! Enough of all the secrecy and not wanting his real name mentioned. Who does he think he is James bleedin’ Bond?

But what is this? Hold the front page! My friend Bill saw about the leisure battery on Facebook. He says he has got a leisure battery. He says I can have it. Free!

I have this little saying, ‘the Lord will provide’ I swear by it and I ain’t even religious. But, thank you baby Jesus for providing me with a leisure battery. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen. Oh, and thank you to Bill too, for thinking of me. You are an absolute star! A true friend! A Welsh wonder! Such a handsome man too. I love you. No not love, that’s going too far. Sorry. I got carried away there for a minute. By the way his real name is Ian, but he wants to remain anonymous.

So, I have a leisure battery. A proper one. Not a dud ordinary battery like what Lee gave me and broke my heart. I have sent off for a relay wiring kit and when that is fitted there will be no stopping me. I had a bit of a problem when I mistook 500 centimetres for 20 inches because I don’t do metric. But all is well now, and fingers crossed I should have a long enough cable to do the job.

You would think that bit of luck would be enough for anyone wouldn’t you? I did. I was well happy innit? But then something remarkable happened. I got a text message from Ian… er Bill. Yes, the same bloke who gave me the leisure battery. I shall from now on henceforth refer to the leisure battery as the LB. This is to save having to keep writing ‘the leisure battery’ whenever I mention the leisure battery. As you have probably gathered, I am a man of few words. Anyway, that is enough about the leisure battery for now. I mean LB.

Ian…er Bill has given me a tent. Free! A two man tent he called it. I thought it might come in handy for when I use a proper campsite occasionally. Two-man tent!? You could hold a banquet in it! It is amazing! What a clever design it is. I easily erected it on my own. In the rain. In a howling gale!

I lied about the howling gale just then. It was only a light breeze. But it was raining. Unbelievably I can reverse into it. Inside it. Yeah, I know. Amazing. And I can open the tailgate inside it. And it only took me a few minutes to full erection! Once I have had a bit more practise I should get it up in no time. Honest! Have a look at the photos if you don’t believe me (see photos). While you are looking at the photos you may notice I have put a shelf up in the van. My son in law Lee…er Nigel gave me the wood for that. He is a good lad.

I am so lucky to have such good friends. I don’t know what I have done to deserve them, but I am truly thankful. As I always say, “the Lord will provide.” It is just that sometimes He does it through friends. I ain’t even religious, but facts is facts!

Awnings, Batteries And A Dog Bed Change Of Mind.

I thought I would share the latest update I put on the small camper site with you. It's all part of my life. I still haven't hit the road yet. The weather has been awful since I began preparing the van for travel. Mostly rain. I can deal with the cold but I do not like being constantly damp.

JB’s Vauxhall Astra update number 27 I think.

Being as how you are such an intelligent lot you will have no difficulty remembering that in JB’s update number 8 or thereabout I mentioned I was thinking about adding an awning to my van. Being a man true to my word (never mind what she told the Judge in court) I kept on thinking. Eventually, however I did make an awning. I even put some photos of said awning on subsequent (good word that) updates. Some of you (the more discerning) even said nice things about it.
Unfortunately, the material I made it from (an old tent) was rubbish. Ripe would describe it adequately. Where I had stitched it, it began to tear badly. To cut a long story short I scrapped it. Hours of sewing into the wee small hours had come to nothing. I found some stronger material and started again. OK look, I shall be honest. I am now on awning number six. It just wouldn’t come right. My own fault because I tend to jump in without thinking properly (according to the ex that is, but she never had a good word to say about me right from the start. I blame her mother, she always had to poke her fat nose in where it wasn’t wanted… No, I am not going to get into recriminations, But she should have kept her fat nose out of it). Anyway, I will not be making another one. This will have to do (see photos).

So, about five yards of sewing for each awning attempt. That equals, er… 5 x 6 is 56…no 65… six awnings at five yards per metre… er... a hell of a lot of sewing was involved. The final awning still looks bloody awful but I will only use it on dark, moonless nights so who cares? Not me. Not a jot!

Great news on the leisure battery front! I have one. Didn’t cost anything. What happened was I was telling my son-in-law Nigel. That isn’t his real name, but he said he would prefer it if I didn’t use his real name Lee. Anyway, I was telling him about the complications involved if I used the batteries from a mobility scooter when he said, “I have got a leisure battery.” I was non-plussed. “You what?” I said. “I have got a leisure battery,” he said. “Yes,” I said, “I heard you the first time, but I was a bit non-plussed.” He looked at me a bit strange, “What does non-plussed mean?” he asked. “I don’t know,” I said, “I must have heard it somewhere?”

Cut a long story short it turns out he had a leisure battery that he got from a caravan that was being scrapped. At least that’s what he told me. First, I had heard anything about caravans being scrapped, but overall, he is a good lad, So, let’s leave it at that shall we? Least said and all that malarkey. Know what I mean? So yeah, I charged it up and voila! It works. Next thing I must do is get an installation kit for it. I looked ‘em up on Google they don’t cost an arm and a leg. Hmm, I wonder if Lee…er Nigel had one in the caravan he scrapped? I will ask him in the morning. Where I wrote ‘voila! just now. That’s French that is.

You might remember that I removed the passenger seat, so Mia the German Shepherd’s bed could go in the space? Well, the passenger seat is now back in place. I sensed she wasn’t happy being on the floor. She likes to sit next to me and look out of the window. So, the seat is back. I have filled the foot well with foam cushions. Now she still has a good-sized bed, but she can see out. She is much happier. And when she is not in her bed I can easily remove the cushions and have a nice place to sit and write if the weather is inclement (good word that). Furthermore, I have made the seat so that it can quickly be removed again if necessary. I think these things through properly you see.

Sausages, Socks And Scissors.

When I woke up this morning I debated with myself whether to have a sausage sandwich for breakfast. In the end I decided not to have a sausage sandwich. Instead I had sausages and fried tomatoes with two slices of bread and butter. Which, if you think about it is quite like a sausage sandwich but with the added ingredient of fried tomatoes.

Sometimes, when I am struggling to put my socks on in the morning as was the case this morning, I find myself wishing I had longer arms or shorter legs. I don’t wish too fervently about having shorter legs because my legs are already short and any shorter would not be in proportion. Mostly I am quite pleased with my body proportions because I am well-proportioned as it is. I have now decided that I don’t think long arms would suit me either. This decision is also based on proportionality. When the warmer weather arrives, I shall seriously consider not wearing socks at all.

This afternoon I spent some time with a pair of sharp scissors cutting the end of my beard into a pointed shape. The result, though I say it myself is pleasing to the eye. Well, my eye anyway. Both my eyes in fact. Even the eye that was often described as a lazy eye when I was a child. It wasn’t a lazy eye at all. What people didn’t realise at the time was that I liked to rest that particular eye a lot when it wasn’t necessary to use both eyes at once.

Moths And The Moon.

Just a quick question for you to ponder over: Where did Moths go before lights were invented? They couldn't all have flown towards the moon. They would have died of exhaustion doing that and then moths would have become extinct. It's a puzzle and it has got me beat.

Don't Unplug Your Hub: Keeping Warm When Camped Up.

Don't Unplug Your Hub: Keeping Warm When Camped Up.: They say the best way to solve a problem you’ve been struggling with is to just forget all about it. Now, I don’t know who ‘they’ are but ‘...

Keeping Warm When Camped Up.

They say the best way to solve a problem you’ve been struggling with is to just forget all about it. Now, I don’t know who ‘they’ are but ‘they’ could be right. I shall tell you why. I stopped thinking about how to heat my van when I am camped up for the night and today, lo and behold, the answer came to me! By the way, when I say I am ‘camped up for the night’ I don’t mean I am wearing make up and high heeled shoes and a bouffant wig and a tight dress and me man parts are swaddled in bandages. No, I mean I am parked in a nice spot for an overnight stay. Okay, on the odd occasion perhaps just a smidge of lipstick, but nothing more.
Where was I? Oh, yes, the heating problem. The answer has been staring me in the face all the time. Hurricane lamps! Yeah, simple really. There has been a hurricane lamp hanging outside one of my sheds for years. Today, it being a bit breezy I happened to notice it because it was swinging in the wind. ‘That’s it’, I exclaimed excitedly, adding a loud ‘VOILA’!
Now I happen to know, because I was born before electric was invented, that hurricane lamps not only give light they also give off a lot of heat. So, there it was my heating problem solved. There was a bit of a slight concern when I realised this lamp I had beheld, this light of my dreams, this beacon of hope was rusted right through. (see photo). By the way, earlier when I said I shouted ‘Voila!’ That was a lie. I don’t speak French. I’m sorry about that. I got carried away.
Now, you might not believe this, but I have another hurricane lamp. Yes, honestly, I have. It is hanging from another shed. It is a bit smaller but well, you know my van is small. But, and this will break your heart, it too is rusted right through. A hole in the bottom. (see photo). I thought about stretching some gaffer tape over it because I am a blithering idiot apart from anything else. But luckily that thought soon passed.
Online I googled hurricane lamp. There were plenty. I chose one made in Germany. It was either that or a Chinese one and I am told that the wick on the Chinese ones goes sideways, so I decided against them. Now I have never really forgiven the Germans for bombing my local fish and chip shop during the war, but I must admit they are terrific engineers, so I will be ordering one of their hurricane lamps. I am going to wait a few days before placing my order just to be sure in my own mind that the chippy incident was a one off.
I do realise that some of you reading this will soon be telling me I am going to die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Well, if I do I will let you know in the next update. ‘They’ say you should never light a fire without opening a window. But supposing you are already outside? It makes no sense at all. What do ‘they’ know?
That’s it for now. I am going to be so warm and cosy in my Astra van. I can’t hardly wait.

Addendum: Please, always ensure you have adequate ventilation whatever heating you use.

The Thumb Stick.

I love my hiking stick or thumb stick as I call it. I am convinced the little bit of a push it gives me as I walk really does make a great difference in allowing me to walk further than I would without it. I take it everywhere that Mia the German Shepherd and I go for our walks. I wouldn't be without it.

Do you remember I told you I had stopped taking the statins because I thought they were making my muscles weaker? Well, things have continued to improve without them. It is an odd situation because it was the pain in my calves, caused, the consultant said by poor circulation, that persuaded me to try the statins in the first place. I am now of the opinion that they did indeed help me when I first started taking them. For a month or two the pain did go away but then it began to come back and it gradually got to the stage where I could not walk more than a couple of hundred yards before I had to stop and rest. I stopped taking them. A few weeks later I was walking easier again and later almost pain free.

The day before yesterday. Sunday it was. Mia the German Shepherd and I drove to the woods. Actually, I did the driving, she just navigates. As we arrived and parked, a couple were just finishing their walk. They had a big dog with them and as Mia the GS can be a bit unpredictable in her pre-walk excitement I held onto her tightly and waited until the couple and their dog had driven off.

It was a mild day weather-wise albeit a little soggy underfoot but we set off at a good pace with Mia the GS deviating occasionally to chase a squirrel. We must have walked a mile or so when it suddenly occurred to me. What a cracking pace I was walking. Pain free too. This sudden realisation pleased me so much that I began walking even faster. After a while I stopped to take a photo of Mia the GS playing in the leaves. After taking the photo I looked about for my thumb stick. I always drop it beside me when I am taking a photo. Where is it? Where did I put the thumb stick? Then it dawned on me.

I hadn't taken it with me! It was still in the van. Being distracted by the couple with their dog as we set off, I had completely forgotten about taking it.

So, I had walked a good couple of miles at a fair old pace and hadn't felt any discomfort whatsoever even without my trusty stick to take some of the burden.

Mia the German Shepherd.

I tell you. I felt good that day. Just to think, I had almost come to terms with the fact my walking days were over for good not so very long ago. Now here I am preparing my little camper van so Mia the GS and I can travel further afield and find lots of different walks. Doctors, consultants, what do they know?

I shall keep using my thumb stick (unless I forget) because it does also come in handy for balance when fording a stream or bashing down brambles and nettles.

It's a funny old world!