You never heard it from me. Right?

Okay look... No I mean listen.. er read this very carefully okay? Keep it to yourself please. Tell not another soul. Let's keep this strictly between ourselves.

Whats happened is this right and please, not a word to another living soul okay: The village sign, the sign outside our village yeah? Well, it got bashed. By a lorry or maybe a van. Something big anyway. I'll tell you what, here's a photo. Have a look for yourself okay?

It's been like this for months. Since the spring at least.

I kept thinking it'll get sorted soon but it never did. I'll be honest with you here, I have never liked it. It looks cheap and despite the wording not very welcoming at all. So I took matters into my own hands.

I stole it! Yeah I know. I'm sorry okay? Don't say anything to anyone please.

Anyway I took it back to my workshop and tried to bash it back into shape. But it still looked awful so I cut the bent bit off with an angle grinder. Then to even things up I cut the other side off too. It is made of aluminium. That's aluminum if you're American. It was covered with reflective stuff. I took that off with a hot air gun. Took flipping ages but eventually I was back to the bare metal. I rubbed it down with emery paper and primed it with red lead primer. Then undercoated it. It was ready for my masterplan to be put into action. Here is a photo of me putting my masterplan into action. Please keep this to yourself. Thanks.

And then, tell no one about this, I put the sign back where I took it from. So it's not stolen is it? It has changed a bit that's true, but it is back where it belongs. Here is another photo. Keep it quiet though please.

It features our church and also a couple of nods to the history of the village. They used to make steam engines here and there was a canal used to transport bricks from the local brickworks.

Here is a closer view of the sign. Remember. Do not mention anything about it being me what done it okay. I could be in trouble if they find out. Say no more. nudge nudge, wink wink, Know what I mean?