Monday, 29 December 2014

Give Me The Simple Life.

Dunno why they call this a simple life. It ain’t when it’s this cold. Even me toothpaste was frozen this morning. Had to brush me teeth wiv Lurpak Spreadable and rinse with some dregs of anti-freeze what was left in me ‘ot water bottle! Didn’t spit of course. Waste not, want not. That’s the philosophy I live by, always have always will, ‘cept when I don’t!

Was going to ‘ave a fried egg for me breakfast but the egg was, yeah you guessed it, frozen!  I stuck an old ‘andle on it, ‘ad it as an ice lolly instead!

Me water pipe, me only concession to luxury living is frozen solid too. ‘Ad to forego me usual cold shower this morning. Improvised rather cleverly I thought,  though I do say so meself, by rolling around naked on the frosty grass. No sign of me genitalia after that little escapade but I don’t tend to ‘ave much use for them in the winter, or ever come to that. Not since I was forced to give up sex when I got old and became unattractive through no fault of me own, to the opposite sex. Or let’s be ‘onest the same sex too! Well, yes there was a short period of readjustment when the unattractiveness first kicked in when I was ready to give anything a go!

Anyway being ‘as how it is colder indoors than it is outdoors I am going outside for a bit of a warm-up. See you later. Don’t forget, keep it simple!


  1. You are just too funny. My water pipes froze last year and it cost me a small fortune to have them repaired. So far this year I have no problems but it is about to get cold, cold, cold. I leave the water running just a little to try to keep it moving. You must be careful rolling in that frosty grass. It can be sharp! You may lose things that you thought were only hiding because of the cold.

  2. If I've learned anything since turning 65, it's that I should consult someone more sensible than I before rolling on frozen grass. Go thou and do likewise.

  3. I like a spartan man meself, you've made yourself sound so rugged I've gone all warm inside, had to turn me heating orf.
    Happy new year John, keep up the amusing posts.

  4. Perhaps a bit more rugged than I care to live full time. Sounds a lot like camping.