I feel completely lost not having Sadie the German Shepherd around to take care of. Only to be expected I suppose after ten years of constant companionship.
There is a feeling inside me at the same time that I may be behaving like a big wimp over her death, but I can't make the feeling go away. Living alone with a pet might possibly make the sudden loss more hard to bear maybe. Of course I have lost beloved pets before and felt extreme grief, but this time it seems even harder.
The fact that it was me who had to make the final decision is still tearing away at me. This, even though the vet said her condition and her age made any hope of a recovery impossible.
Her last night was so traumatic. She refused to stay indoors with me, and took herself off to her outside kennel. I am sure she did this because she just wanted to be left in peace and to get away from my constant fussing. As it was I stayed up all night with her and was so concerned that I called the emergency night vet twice. Both times though she seemed to recover enough to relax a bit. As it was we already had an appointment with the vet for the morning and I knew that it was time for her suffering to end.
She is buried in the paddock at the place where she liked to lie down. She could watch the whole field from this place. She could see right down the drive and she could keep an eye on the wagon door. I like to think she is doing these things still.
Why am I telling you this? It is not for your sympathy I promise you. Although your thoughts and expressions of condolence have comforted me. Perhaps I am not telling you. Perhaps I am just writing my thoughts.
Some people will think this is too much grief to feel. She was only a dog. But she wasn't just a dog, she was my friend.