Monday, 28 March 2011

Where Do Shepherds Wash Their Hands?

Oh I don't know! You think you've got life nicely sorted. Everything going along smoothly. When... WHAM! Life decides to give you a great big wake up call. Has to do it in the most shocking way too. I'm still a bit shaken to be honest. Still in a state of shock. Please don't be too concerned. There's no need to rush round with warm blankets or anything like that. Honestly. Luckily I had a brown paper bag with me when it happened, and I was able to control my hyperventilation by breathing into it. I always carry a brown paper bag with me just in case Sadie decides to take a toilet break in an inappropriate place. Sadie is the German shepherd by the way. Thankfully she hadn't been when I was breathing into the bag. By the way when I say German shepherd I am referring to my dog. I don't know any human shepherds German or not, and I certainly know nothing of their toilet habits. I suppose they just do it up in the hills behind a convenient tussock. When the sheep aren't looking.
Now where was I? Oh dear, I'm afraid I've got this awful image in my mind of a shepherd squatting behind a tussock. Just give me a second to clear my head.
What happened was, I was outside in the paddock attempting to dismantle a vice, one of my many vices, when I heard the phone ringing. First of all I wasn't going to answer it because I thought it would only be one of my Asian friends ringing up. Well, I call them my friends, but only because we've spoken a lot down the years. They are really nice and go to the trouble of calling me several times a day. I don't know why. I can never understand what they're saying. Anyway the phone was persistent and I decided I would answer it. Big mistake, big big mistake. Absolutely dreadful! I can feel myself going into a faint just recalling the moment. Sorry about this just give me a moment, I'll be fine.......Phew! What happened was I picked up the phone and get this! It was someone offering me a few days work! The unfeeling b-----d! Even worse, I was so shocked, I heard myself saying yes. I've left the vice where it was. It can dismantle it's bloody self!

On a much happier note I have just received an Email from a lovely lady currently living in West Africa. Her name is Gladis. Yes a strange way to spell it, I thought that too. She is a Christian lady the widow of a missionary, unfortunately she is very ill and does not have long to live, and I can hardly believe this is happening to me. I'm filling up here. She wants to leave all her money to me! Apparently she has no living relatives and God has told her to choose someone at random to leave her, get this, millions to. She chose me, she chose me! Of all the people in the world she chose me. So I am going to be a very rich man but I will not let it change me I fully intend to carry on leading the simple life and I will still talk to my friends. Or I would do if I had any. So. Got to dash. I have to get my bank account details to Nigeria and also a quick phone call to tell that bloke where he can stick his few days work. Happy days.



  1. Hahahaaaa....this was hilarious....and yes, I'm snooping in your archives...Hahaaaa...
    Have a great week...

  2. Here, let me just push Don-na out of the way so I can snoop in your archives...;)'re tellin' me that your gonna be a rich man just as soon as GLADIS kicks the bucket... huh,huh! Well now, I happened recieve the same e-mail not long ago and dear old GLADIS is still hanging in there, and wants to leave all her money to ME! Guess God gave her your e-mail by mistake...but don't cry, I'll share!