Julian the Janitor.

I met Julian the Janitor down the Co-op yesterday. D’you know him? Tall, thin bloke? Shaves his head? Always wears dark glasses rain or shine? He got a bit famous in the seventies when his photo was featured on Crimewatch on the telly? Really, that should be infamous, but he prefers to think of it as famous and I wouldn’t want to spoil it for him. His modus operandi was to burgle blocks of flats and if anyone got suspicious and challenged him he used to say, “I’m Julian, the Janitor”. D’you remember him now? No? Oh, well, maybe you’re too young? Anyway, that’s all by the by. He’s been going straight for years. Mainly because he’s an old bloke now. To be honest I can’t even remember his real name. Not that it matters. To me and everyone else who knows him he will always be Julian the Janitor.
We got chatting like you do and the subject got onto television sit-coms. Turns out we both like Only Fools and Horses. “Did you see the one where they dropped the chandelier?” He asked me, starting to laugh just at the thought of it
“Yes,” I said, “that was brilliant.”
“And the one where he was trying to impress some women and leant against the open bar counter?”
“That’s my favourite episode,” I said.
Julian the Janitor picked up a meat pie and raising his dark glasses he scrutinised the label, “You tried these?” he asked. Not waiting for an answer, he went on, “remember when Del went for a medical and the doctor asked him if he had ever had trouble passing water and Del said ‘well, I did have a funny turn once coming over Putney Bridge.’ I tell you I literally laughed my head off at that one.” Deciding against the pie he put it back on the shelf as he began to laugh at the memory.
“They stitched it back on alright then,” I said.
“What?”
“Your head.”
“What about my head?” He had stopped laughing.
“Well, you said you literally laughed your head off, so I said, they stitched it back on alright then. I was making a joke.” Noting the look on his face I suddenly remembered that Julian the Janitor once had a reputation as a hard man. “Those pies,” I said, “are bloody good mate. You should try one.” I decided to steer the conversation onto safer ground. “What do you think about all this immigration business?”
Julian the Janitor sighed deeply, “Don’t get me started,” he said. But it was too late I already had.