The Queen And Me

The Queen’s ninetieth Birthday has set me thinking.

Me and the Queen, we’re like that, we are. (I just crossed my first two fingers of my right hand to show how close we are) just in case you didn’t get it. We’re not really like that. I ain’t never met her. Got quite close once at the Trooping the colour thing. I was only little. I remember someone lifting me up so I could see her better, but all I saw was the back of some bloke’s head and an ‘orse having a shit.

I have got a bit of a theory as to why I like Her Majesty. I was brought up in care. Maybe I am grateful to her for giving me a roof over my head and three meals a day? I say meals but it’s a moot point. Maybe I think of her like a mother? I wrote to her once asking if she could make my mum come and get me out of the children’s home. She never wrote back. I remember being quite upset by this. One of the housemothers told me the Queen got hundreds of letters and couldn’t possibly answer them all. She also pointed out that I didn’t put a stamp on the envelope. A poor excuse, that one. The queen surely didn’t expect a kid who only got threepence pocket money to buy a stamp?

We used to sing, God save the Queen at school assembly. I never actually found out what we had to save her from or why she wanted to rain all over us. But I wasn’t worried. I was fairly intelligent and I had worked out that some things only make sense to grown-ups and in the fullness of time I would understand. Although to be honest I still don’t know. And I’m still not worried. Oh and I never had the thought, ‘in the fullness of time.’ I was a kid and kids don’t think like that. You have to stand up to sing ‘God save the Queen’ I don’t know why that is either. What I do know is, when a boy ain’t got no meat on his bones and wears short trousers it is not much fun getting up and down off a hard floor.

I ain’t no further along in my quest to find out why I like Her Majesty. I just don’t know. Although, brain-washing just came to mind. That’s a bit sinister. Perhaps I like the Queen because ‘they’ said I had too. That has to be it. I don’t have another real explanation. I am kind of mystified by the whole Queen thing.

My uncles George and David along with millions of others, gave their lives for the King in the second world war. Well, I tell you, I like the Queen but I ain’t ready to die for her. But, if it came to it, maybe I wouldn’t have the choice? Funny old world. There is ‘them’ and there is us. Us sheep.

I have gone off her a bit now.

Hot And Steamy On The Telephone.

My mobile phone stopped working Friday gone. Today I went into the 02 shop in town to see if they would give me a new one. They wouldn't. They said I had to go home and make a claim on my insurance.

So I came home and I did that. Had to use Tricia's land-line phone 'cos my land-line ain't working either. I don't know what it is with me and phones lately? Maybe they know how much I dislike them?

Took ages to get through to the insurance company. About half an hour. Then they wanted to know what was wrong with my phone. I don't bleedin' know. Had I dropped it? No.  Where do I keep it during the day? In my inside pocket. Where do I keep it at night? Bedside table. Had it been anywhere hot and steamy? I told them that was none of their business. Bloody cheeky sods! It just won't work!

It took them ages, while I was on hold, to assess my claim. About fifteen minutes and then they said my claim was declined.They said I should go back to the 02 shop again and claim on my phones warranty. I didn't know I had a warranty. Why am I paying six quid a month to insure my phone when it has a two year warranty still in force?

I am going to cancel the phone insurance. I just can't see the point of it. Six quid a month I been paying for about fifteen months! How much does that come to? Six times fifteen equals... fifteen times six.. no twelve months equals...six divided by.. Hang on...that makes.. Well anyway it's a good few quid, I know that!

So, long story short, I came back here and I banged the phone on my desk and the bleedin' thing started working!