Me And Ms Roberts.

Happy New Year everyone! Here's hoping it is a good one for us all.

My main computer, the one I normally write this blog on is up the creek. I am tapping this out on my little IBM thinkpad, and it is a bit fiddly to type on. Not that it really matters because not much has happened since my last blogpost. By the way it is nine minutes past three o'clock in the morning, and I can't get back to sleep. Do you know why? No of course you don't. I shall tell you. It is because I am too hot! Yes, it's January the 4th, mid bleedin' winter and I can't sleep because I am too bleedin' hot! I haven't got the heating on too high either because I don't have any heating. I cannot recall in my lifetime being too hot in winter in England. What is going on? I blame immigration. All those immigrants coming over here and bringing all their hot weather with them! Something should be done about it!

Never mind that though. As I was saying, nothing much of interest has happened in my life so far this year. On January the 1st I took myself off to London for the day. Just for a change of scenery really. I went to the British Museum. Quite an interesting place, but to be honest I didn't take much in because when I was there I got talking to this really attractive woman. You'll never guess who she was. Give up? All right. It was the famous Hollywood film star Julia Roberts! Yeah I know I couldn't believe it myself. Of course I recognised her beautiful smile straightaway. You can probably guess what happened next? Yep, that's right she invited me to spend the night with her. She was staying at the Savoy hotel and was a bit lonely. She kept on about how attractive she found me. To tell you the truth I was tempted, I mean what bloke wouldn't be? Well maybe Elton John wouldn't! But as I said to the lovely Julia, "Sorry darling," I said, " but I have to get home to shut the hens in for the night." She took it quite well and even gave me her phone number in case I changed my mind, but I couldn't have done it. I mean who would let the hens out in the morning if I was getting up to naughty shenanigans with the lovely Julia Roberts international film star, all night?

You made all that up didn't you John?

OK maybe some of it. It wasn't the British Museum it was the Natural History Museum. But it's true about the hens! There are a lot of foxes about and you can't take chances where livestock are concerned.

On January 2nd a most remarkable thing happened. I was busking in the local town square. Actually I say busking but it is a bit more refined than that because I am an extremely talented singer and guitarist and the term busking does not do justice to my entertaining skills. I only use the word for expediency. I only use the word expediency to show you how very clever I am with my use of the English language. Anyway, I digress. Digress! There I go again.

So I'm singing and playing my guitar, and doing a bit of dancing -I'm an all round entertainer. Did a bit of juggling too- I say juggling, what I was actually doing was juggling two chainsaws, a hedge trimmer and a lawnmower, but never mind all that, what happened was: this bloke came up to me, introduced himself as a theatrical agent and offered me a million pound recording contract! It was Simon Cowell! Him off the tele. I couldn't believe it! I turned him down. "Sorry Simon," I said to him, "No can do, I'm meeting Julia Roberts this afternoon, and I have to go home first and crate up my hens, 'cos I'm taking them with me." I think he understood because he gave me his phone number and begged me to give him a call as soon as possible. The poor bloke was almost in tears. But what could I do? I mean come on! It's Julia Roberts I'm meeting!

Yesterday January the 3rd, I went shopping in the supermarket with the lovely Julia, she needed toothpaste. She gets through a lot of toothpaste, those teeth, that smile! You will never guess what happened? I had no sooner walked through the door when there was a helluva noise, a band strikes up, and lights flashing. It turns out that I am their ten millionth customer! How amazing is that? I got a years supply of cat and dog food and as much personal grooming stuff and condoms as I could cram into a trolley in five minutes. I was so pleased. Particularly as I had made a new years resolution to do everything possible to make myself even more attractive to women this year. I love impossible challenges.

It is now twenty seven minutes past four in the morning. I really must get some shuteye so that I am full of energy for the day ahead. You just never know what the day might bring. "Go back to sleep Julia. You really are insatiable, and don't forget it's your turn to let the hens out in the morning."