The Almost Famous Ramshackle Art Gallery, Is Almost Finished Again.

The Ramshackle Art Gallery is still not finished. Not that I have been lazy. I am putting in the hours on it but, well you know, you do this bit and then you find out that bit needs doing. Never ending it seems to me at the moment.

However, the construction is complete. I was going to say erection just then, but thankfully remembered just in time how excitable some of you got when I last used the word in an innocent attempt at describing a structure.

The cause of the delay is the amount of clearing and tidying I have to do in the driveway. After my extremely handsome son George and I had only cleared it a few weeks ago too. I don't know how it got so untidy so quickly. It is mystifying.

Another problem has been in the actual construction. Thing is you see, I am a fairly competent craftsman. I actually, in the ramshackle construction, have to force myself not to do things correctly. Sounds crazy I know, but if I make it properly it will not be ramshackle. And I think 'The Ramshackle Art Gallery' sounds better than 'The Properly Made Art Gallery'. Although having written that down for the first time, it does have a nice ring to it and appeals to my sense of humour. But no, I am not changing it now. Besides have a look at this. I have made the sign for the entrance.

This is not where it will be positioned. I am going to site it at the roadside at the end of the driveway, so that all the passing motorists can see it, and dash in and buy a painting on their way to work. Or perhaps better if they do it on their way home. That way I won't have to get up too early. I should make a lot of money. I shall open an offshore bank account and keep the revenue men from getting their hands on it.

Of course the sign will soon be noticed by someone from the council who will tell me to remove it. I will then get in touch with the newspapers, and tell them my human rights are being infringed. I shall take the council to the European courts, the story will be taken up by the television. I shall become really famous, my paintings will fetch a fortune, and I shall realise my lifelong dream of travelling the globe on a pushbike, or maybe a luxury camper van. Haven't quite decided yet. So you see I have everything planned. Well almost. I shall probably go for the camper van option because of my legs. I'm a martyr to them. Oh the pain and suffering I go through. You would not believe. Maybe a private jet, and stopovers in 5 star hotels. Although with air travel, there is the risk of thrombosis. Hey, it isn't easy having loads of money. I could have a personal nurse to take care of me I suppose. She could wear a proper nurses uniform too. But that might cause problems with my blood pressure. What to do? What to do? I shall wait until I have sold a few paintings, and then decide. It is silly putting myself through all this stress. I wonder if I should go for a blonde or a brunette?

I almost forget to mention this, but on Friday afternoon a friend stopped by. He had a trailer and on it was an old shed he had just demolished. He was taking it to the tip, but I saw potential. "Leave it here Clive," I said, because that's his name, Clive, "Leave it here, I shall incorporate it into my Ramshackle Art Gallery.

Well he thought I was mad, because he had sawn the shed into bits so that it would fit into his trailer. However when he saw what I was doing he understood what I meant. "Blimey John," he said sounding amazed, "That, if I might say so, is some erection."

I couldn't in all seriousness, allow such a comment to pass unremarked. "No Clive," I said, "That is not an erection, that is a construction." So you see I do read your comments and I learn from them.

Anyway I have now used the sawn up shed to great effect, even if I do say so myself. Watch this space. There will be more photo's soon for your delectation and delight. Hang on a minute. If he was going to the tip, why was he passing my place? The tip is in the complete opposite direction. He wasn't going to dump that old shed here was he? Come to think of it I was wondering how my drive gets so untidy. I reckon someone has been dumping stuff here for weeks. No no, not Clive, he wouldn't do that. Not my mate Clive. No. Mind you it is quite expensive taking stuff to the tip. But no. Not Clive. I need to get a padlock for my front gate.

I had better stop writing now. I am sure you have far more important things to be getting on with, than reading all this rambling nonsense.