Open Mic Night

Last night after a frantic search of the floor I managed to locate a pair of jeans that after a liberal spraying with Febreze would probably be okay for just one more wear. This was good because I was going to Open Mic with Sedge and Jon and didn’t really relish the thought of appearing on stage in just a T-shirt, boxer shorts and my last pair of odd socks!
I’m just going out the door and I say goodbye to Mia the German Shepherd, “Goodbye Mia,” I says, I won’t be long. Be a good girl.” Mia looks at me sadly when I say that, so I say, “Oh for crying out loud Mia, come on then!” And Mia gets all excited and starts jumping all over me and me jeans get covered in dog hairs. Now this is going to sound a bit weird but I do actually possess a clothes brush. After another frantic search I find it but it is full of dog hairs from last week when I brushed the dog with it when I couldn’t find the dog brush so instead I wrap Sellotape around me hand and manage to get most of the hair off with it. (See my pamphlet: How to remove dog hairs with Sellotape).

Thank you Steve Flynn for this photo.

Eventually I manage to find my way to the Open Mic venue. It is packed out with people, mostly women, who had heard I was going to be appearing. I have to fight my way through them and take refuge in the gents’ toilets, where I wipe all the lipstick off me face and neck. This is also a handy place to be because I need to pee. I’m standing there pointing Percy at the porcelain and waiting. I am waiting, because I am at that time in a man’s life when it takes a while to build up enough pressure, when this bloke comes in and stands at the urinal next to me “Hallo,” he says, “Are you having a good night?”
Now I don’t know about you, but garrulous as I am I have never considered the gents’ toilet a good place to engage in conversation. So not wanting to appear rude I give a non committal grunt, abandon my attempt to pee and go and wash my hands. It’s out of habit, this hand washing business. I shouldn’t have to do it really, I mean, it’s less than an hour ago I had a shower and there hasn’t been enough time for anything to need washing again!
I try to dry my hands but the hand dryer doesn’t work. It is as I dry my hands on my shirt that I notice a machine on the wall by the door It has a sign on it. The sign says Hand Dryer. I had been trying to dry my hands on the soap dispenser! Modern stuff baffles me. I couldn’t get the hand dryer to work anyway. As I left the room I heard it blast into life. Mr Conversation was obviously more technically minded than me.
I go back into the pub and they are all waiting for me. It is my turn on stage. “Here he is.” I hear someone shout, “He’s been to the toilet!”
Hearing this I get all self conscious. Suppose people think I was having a poo? How embarrassing! I don’t want them thinking that so I shout out, “I WASN’T HAVING A POO!”  And everyone goes quiet. “I didn’t even have a pee,” I say, “but I did wash my hands!”
After that the evening went a bit downhill for me. I tripped over the mic stand. I had forgot to bring me guitar strap so I had to sit down to play. I’m better standing up. I forgot the words to the first song and the chords and the tune if I’m being honest.
Halfway through the second song I heard a phone ringing. I was just about to have a go at the audience about it, when I realised it was my phone ringing. I stopped singing and answered it. It was my extremely handsome son George calling. People in the audience were shouting hallo to him. It might take him a while to get over the embarrassment!
Apart from all that it was a nice night out!