Home Cooking With John

Today for a change I thought I would try something different on the blog, and so I have decided to teach you how to cook something. Please feel free to print this post and keep it handy in your kitchen.

This classic recipe is called 'toad in the hole'. and this is how you prepare and cook it.

Get a clean dish thing out of the cupboard. Actually forget that bit it isn't a dish it's a tin tray thing. It looks like a metal square or rectangular thing. Like you would cook a chicken in or other meat.

Next you need to clean off the bits of stuff that were left over from the last time you used it. In my case it was used for roast potatoes and there were some crusty bits still left in the thing. I shall call it a tin to save time.

Use a knife to scrape the old stuff out. Get your Mum to help you with this, as it can be dangerous. If it won't scrape clean, let the dog have it to lick, while you prepare the potatoes ready for boiling. You can buy potatoes at any good shop that sells them. Not sweet shops, tobacconists, or bakers. You will be wasting your time looking there. Get an onion as well while you are buying potatoes, it will save you a trip later. Do not worry about the onion if you don't like onions in your gravy, I find they improve the flavour though. But add to taste. Or not. You might even find you have an onion in the cupboard or behind the fridge. That's where I found one. It must have rolled there last time I used onions, Crikey that was a while ago.

Go down to the bottom of the garden. You will find the dog there. Retrieve the tin from the dog. Don't worry about the growling. That is natural behaviour. Lots of people growl when trying to get things out of a dog's mouth. I do it all the time.

I forgot to tell you to turn the oven on to heat up. Try gas mark highish or Fahrenheit something or other. Or even Celsius. My oven doesn't have fancy numbers, just high or low. I always go for high. It gets stuff cooked quicker.

When the oven is hot put the tin in it. The heat will kill any dog germs eventually. Or you could wash it. The tin, not the dog. Wash the dog tomorrow when you are not cooking.

When the tin is really hot take it out of the oven. Use the cuffs of your sleeves to hold it, because it will definitely be hot if you remembered to light the oven. You can use gloves for this purpose if you wish, but please use something otherwise you will burn your fingers and say rude words. Remember cooking should be a joyful thing to do.

Splash oil in the tin. Cooking oil is best, but any natural oil will do. Don't use the new synthetic car oil. It contains chemicals. Unless you have been inoculated. You should be all right then. I had to look up how to spell inoculated, it didn't look right. I could have said vaccinated instead. Actually I had to look that up too.

Get some sausages. Sorry I could have saved you a journey. You could have got them when you got the potatoes. Possibly in the same shop. Some butchers sell potatoes. I find a lot of shops are diversifying these days. What with times being so hard financially. If you do have to go to the shop, please remember to turn the oven off. Thank you.

picture number one

Put the sausages in the tin with the oil and burn them for a few minutes or longer at gas mark whatever, or Fahrenheit or Celsius something. While waiting for the smell of burning, mix up some batter out of a packet, with eggy water. Mix it in an empty dog food can if you haven't got a mixing bowl. Let the dog lick the can clean first though. Let us not be unhygienic here. Cleanliness. Let that be your mantra.

As soon as you smell burning and see black smoke emanating from the oven, pour the batter onto the sausages  (see  picture number one). Put tin back in oven and leave for approximately a good while.

Quickly peel potatoes and put them in a pan with water and boil on the hob until the lid rattles and the water spills over and puts out the gas. Or blows the fuse if you use electric. Take some of the potatoes out, and try again. It should be all right  this time. If you chop the potatoes really small they will cook quicker. I should have told you that sooner. If you didn't already chop them, you can still do it while they are boiling. Just stab a knife about in there. Get your Mum to help when using sharp implements. Safety first in the kitchen is my mantra, and cleanliness of course. I have a lot of mantras. I'm not even sure that mantra is the right word, but it sounds all right.

When the potatoes have nearly boiled dry they will be almost ready. This is the time to open a tin of peas. Oh blast! I should have told you to get peas when you went to the shop. Sorry about that. Maybe your neighbour has a spare tin. Anyway wherever you get them always pierce the tin before you put it in the oven, and remove the label because they catch fire in the heat. WARNING: NEVER PUT AN UNPIERCED TIN OF PEAS IN THE OVEN. ALWAYS PIERCE TIN FIRST.

The best way to pierce the tin of peas is to stab violently with the point of a sharp knife. Get your Mum to do this for you. Remember, safety first in the kitchen. Remember also: That tin will be hot.  Cuffs, sleeves!

picture number two

Mash the potatoes. If you have a potato masher use that. I don't have one. Well I do have one but I have lost it. I remember using it to change a puncture on my bike, but where it is now I just don't know. But that doesn't matter because I prefer my potatoes fluffy, so I use a fork. Add a knob of butter. Actually add as much butter as you like. Forget about cholesterol. Doctors! What do they know. I bet they have butter in their mash potatoes!

Make the gravy. Use another dog food tin. Leave some of the dog food in it for added flavour. Put an onion in there too. Chop it if you like. Add a what d'you call it? One of them little cubes. Beef cubes. Oxo that's it! Make it with hot water, otherwise the Oxo will go all lumpy. If you can't get Oxo... Well I don't know what you can do. I always use Oxo. I never have any trouble finding them in my local shop. Maybe your neighbour who gave you the peas will have a spare Oxo cube. You do need one. If you can't find an Oxo cube, you may as well stop reading this. It won't taste the same without Oxo. Everyone has Oxo cubes in their cupboard. Have another look. I can't believe this!

The 'toad in the hole' should be ready now (see picture number two). Carefully take it out of the oven. Remember, use your sleeve cuffs. Do not put the tin on a plastic surface, That would be silly. It is hot remember.

picture number three

Find a quite clean plate from the pile of washing up and serve up a delicious dinner (see picture number three). Enjoy with a pint or three of best British beer.

For a vegetarian option, leave out the sausages. Oh and the gravy! Look I will be honest with you. This meal is unsuitable for vegetarians. Sorry. Unless you don't mind batter and potatoes and peas. That might be quite nice. Possibly.