The only thing I can remember about the place, apart from all the women fawning over me, was that the toilets were amazing. All mirrors and marble and gold taps, that sort of thing. There was an attendant in a liveried frockcoat, and after I had washed my hands he handed me a fresh towel to dry my hands. Then he asked me if I would like a hot towel. I didn't know what he meant at first, but then I saw another bloke sitting with a towel around his face, so I cottoned on.
"Oh yah," I said, putting on my poshest voice,"That would be absolutely spiffing old bean."
After the hot towel, which was very nice by the way, he dusted me down with a clothes brush and sprayed me with some perfume, which I thought was a bit of a liberty. What with me being a proper tough guy. But as it was a gentlemen's club I held my counsel, and said nothing. I did give him a right look though I can tell you.
Then he held his hand out. I thought he wanted to shake my hand to apologise for the perfume, so I shook his hand, and thought I would leave it at that. But he wouldn't give up. He held his hand out again.
"Look sunshine," I said, "I accept your apology, let's leave it at that shall we?"
"Ahem Sir," he said, still holding his hand out, "Begging Sirs pardon," he went on, "but it is normal procedure to offer a gratuity at this point."
"A gratty who itty?" I said, "A gratty... Oh a tip, you want a tip. Why didn't you say so?"
I handed him a ten bob note. He looked at it proper grumpy, and kept his hand out, so I took it back and gave him a one pound note. He still kept his hand out, so I took it back and gave him a five pound note. He seemed happy with that. So he should be too. In those days five pounds was a weeks wages for a working man.
Five quid for a hot towel and a spray of perfume. I made a solemn vow to myself after that. Avoid gentlemen's clubs at all costs, even if you have just robbed a bank!
I'll tell you what, that was the most expensive pee I have ever had. I reckon he saw me coming, and he did me up like a bleeding kipper!
The reason I relate this little anecdote is because I have been sorting out the gents toilet facilities for the party night. It's slightly different to that posh place in London, but I think it will serve the purpose just the same. I will not be providing hot towels.
Do not be concerned ladies, a proper loo is available for you.
