Monday, 13 March 2017
A strange kind of day really. I’d been out for a walk with Mia the German Shepherd and my extremely handsome son George. –their order of importance in my life is not to be construed from that sentence.
Anyway, we were almost back home when out of nowhere the biggest, angriest, buzzingest flying insect I have ever seen suddenly attacked me. I flailed me arms blindly to frighten it off. But it didn’t work. That insect, who I had never seen before kept up its attack and it managed to sting me twice on me neck.
“It got me George!” I cried out, “it got me in me Gregory Peck!”
“Why are you talking cockney rhyming slang Dad?”
“Because I’m in shock probably but never mind that,” I screamed, “just get the bloody thing off me!”
“I think it’s gone Dad,” said George calmly.
“I can still feel it on me Gregory,” I shouted, “get it George! Can you see anything? Kill it son! Kill it!”
George has a look at me neck. “It left its sting behind Dad. Hold still, I’ll pull it out,” he says.
“Hurry up son for gawd’s sake,” I plead, “I think I’m about to go into anaphylactic shock.”
George gets the sting out and I manage to stagger home, holding on to me son’s arm tightly.
Six inches long it was that sting. The biggest sting I ever seen. Well, all right maybe two inches long. Okay then, maybe that is a slight exaggeration, But it was at least about a quarter of an inch long. Maybe an eighth of an inch then. I don’t even know what the bleedin’ insect was to be honest, but it was really loud and scary.
Me beautiful daughter Jodie is luckily there when I gets home. She is really caring and she gets her box of essential oils out. “Hold still Pater,” she says, “let me dab some oil on it. I have got some tea tree oil but that has a very strong smell or what about some lavender?”
“Yes,” I says, “lavender will do, chuck some lavender oil on it.”
So, she dabs a load of lavender oil on me Gregory Peck and I have to say it felt a lot better and I smelled nice too. I smelled a bit like a nice old granny smells. No, not of wee. Some old grannies use lavender to make themselves not smell of wee. I smelled like that.
You are not going to Adam and Eve what happened next but I will tell you anyway.
I’m in the builder’s merchants buying some cement and hydrated lime for me bread oven project and the bloke behind the counter looks at me a bit funny, “What’s that smell?” he asks me, “it reminds me of my granny.”
“Oh, that’s me,” I say to him. “it’s lavender oil.”
“It’s a bit overpowering,” he says.
“Yes,” I say, “it’s all over me Gregory.”
“What’s your Gregory?” he asks looking puzzled.
“Me neck,” I tell him, “me Gregory Peck. Its cockney rhyming slang.”
“Oh, thank gawd for that," he says laughing, “at least it ain’t all over your Hampton Wick!”
Yes, as I said, a strange kind of day really.