Friday, 24 July 2015

The Use Of Love Handles In The Art Of Love.


Since me feet gave out and curtailed me walking any distance I have put on a bit of weight. I say a bit of weight, but to be frank it’s rather a lot. I have got love handles on top of me love handles. Ironic really since there ain’t much loving taking place lately.

It’s difficult to say exactly how much weight ‘cos I ain’t got a weighing machine anymore. I got rid of it. Trouble is it was metric and I don’t do metric. I was bleedin’ ‘eavy enough when it was in stones so kilogrammes used to really do me ‘ed in. Besides which it was digital too so I could never read the dial in a steamy bathroom. Yes, I could have weighed meself before turning the tap on but I usually weigh a lot more when I’m dirty and I like to give meself a fair chance.

Shape wise I’m not too bad. My legs for instance are sensational. And though I say it myself I have a rather lovely turn of ankle. That's without socks of course.

Most of the extra weight I’m carrying is around me middle. I reckon it’s about two stone I have put on. Most of it is cakes. I am very partial to a cake. Last night I had eight Mr Kipling Viennese Whirls in one sitting. What I like to do is separate the two halves and lick the buttercream filling off first then the jam and finally finish off by nibbling round the edges of each biscuit slowly. It drives the dog mad watching me eat them. I suppose I could let her have a little taste but sweet biscuits ain’t good for dogs.

If I compress my stomach fat in both hands it takes on the shape of about half a football which along with me extended love handles gives me quite an additional girth.

So, from tomorrow I intend to become a vegetarian. I shall give it a months trial first just to be sure it’s the right thing to do.

My first veggie meal will be a plate of acorns marinaded in a Knorr vegetable stock cube gravy. And for dessert I shall make do with a handful of dried grass. I can feel the weight dropping off just thinking about it.

You might not recognise me the next time we meet, but I don’t want you women worrying. Apparently the love handles are the last to go in weight loss.  Although you will have to come to me because since me feet gave out I can’t walk any distance. Not even in the name of lurve!






8 comments:

  1. not read your blog before, so had a scan through. I was crying with laughter at your seagull interview. I was reading it out to my husband who said it was like listening to a Python sketch. nice one.

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  2. not read your blog before, so had a scan through. I was crying with laughter at your seagull interview. I was reading it out to my husband who said it was like listening to a Python sketch. nice one.

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  3. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?! I have been worried about you. I know you have family and Mia and the chickens and all but you could at least have posted a quick "Hi. I'm fine." While you are eating you can free up a hand to type something short. Anyway I am glad you are well. I hope you do not wait so long again.

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    1. I am sorry Emma. I have been painting. x

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  4. Your new diet sounds healthful and ambitious, except for dessert which is too much like grazing to offer much promise. My advice is, visit a vegetarian confectionery and find out what sorts of toppings they use on their silage. This is going to take some research.

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  5. I like George's ideas about diet. Your dog portrait looks like he is anxiously waiting for some treats.

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  6. Those Viennese Whirls were my downfall, the weight was piling on I daren't buy any now. Nice to see you're still in the land of the living, John.

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  7. So good to see a post from you John...was wondering whatever had become of you.
    It's not very wise to quit cold turkey and start eating vegetarian....it may be best to give up a few foods first and then settle into a vegetarian routine....wish you luck with losing the extra love handles.

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